Since I've had kids, the holidays have transformed for me from a time when I would feel alone and sad to something that I am grateful for.
I grew up in an immigrant house. My parents didn't celebrate the holidays, except to please us kids and didn't have a social circle to speak of. I didn't go to Santa Claus, never wrote a letter listing my wants, never truly believed in him the way my kids do. The holiday meal became a breast of turkey, a box of Stove Top, a box of mashed potatoes, canned corn, and canned gravy. We didn't go to church, were never invited to parties, and needless to say, never hosted people. While my mother comes from a large scattered family, we never visited, so I rarely saw my cousins, if at all. My father's family was within a couple of hours, but holiday gatherings were always limited to lunch at a busy restaurant where I sat mute because I couldn't speak the language. This was my paradigm.
So when I went to college and finally saw how other people, my peers, met the season, I just could not "get" it. I didn't know who I should be celebrating with, couldn't find the correct things to write in cards, never felt I could
give appropriate gifts, and over the years, gave up on trying because
it was just too hard. Maybe an outsider would look at me and think that I was quiet, but overall well-adjusted. But that stretch from October to New Year was emotionally brutal. It was when I felt most acutely how different and [insert
pejorative here] I was. Every year, as Christmas approached, I felt more disconnected and more hopeless. All I wanted to do was duck and cover.
I guess you can say that work was my escape. I could always go to the lab and find some work to do. I could be alone, doing something that made sense. It felt like I needed to go in, but in retrospect, it was my way of avoiding the season.
I'm lucky that Fat Tony chose a life with me, but it's not easy for him. Because I have difficultly doing the "right" things around holidays and major life events, I have some issues with the in-laws.
Since college we've moved approximately every two
years. We went from central NY to various sites in New England, the
Bay Area, Southern California, and finally to the Chicago area. We
always had something resembling a social life, depending on your
definition, but no consistent relations.
For my kids' sake, I need to find a new way of being. Fortunately, this year I am unemployed and on severance. This is the best gift. My life at home is my work. So I spend my days thinking about things that need to be done and changed. I have been working on keeping house, decluttering, and other projects.
This is the third year in our home, the first where I have actually become engaged in it. We've got a long way to go, but it's the first step to building stronger social foundation. Our house has to match our needs. This means we have to really think about our needs. Who are we and what do we want to do?
I've also been doing a lot of thinking of the religious origins of the holiday. My kids have to understand what Christmas is really about.
I feel ashamed, to not truly understanding what needs to be done until now. The choices I was making were creating this situation where I felt hopeless and alone. Yet, I had no other paradigm to work from, could not take another perspective. Every other year, I could be distracted by work. I know my parents were doing their best and that's all one can hope for. I'd like to do my best for my kids too.
We will be going to my parents' house, but we won't be making the traditional meal. It is time for some new traditions.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Be Kind
With the horror at Newtown, it is difficult not to think what if?...
What if that was my child? my sister, my mother, my son?
How could this happen? How can those families bear this?
Since Columbine, I've noticed that there is less talk of evil since past mass shootings. We as a culture have grown so accustomed to this horror that we no longer label it something so far from what "good" people do, because, in fact, "good" people raised those young men, who became murderers.
What we see in these years is a series of disturbed and angry young men with access to weapons of efficient and devastating destruction. Who knows what was going through their minds? Maybe....maybe in those deranged minds, they might have even felt they were doing something good. We can not continue thinking of these tragedies in terms of morality. Morality is irrelevant in a deranged mind.
We know that like the other mass murderers before him, Adam Lanza used semi-automatic weapons. These were obtained legally, by his mother, his first victim. Let's assume that she believed her son would not use her cherished weapons upon herself or on an elementary school. It does not matter why she had them. From anecdotal reports, it seems that she just liked them, perhaps they made her feel powerful and strong. And, in America, that is her right.
So then, why did Adam Lanza go on his killing spree?
Of late, mass murderers have these qualities in common:
1. Young men, most likely mentally ill, who are
2. Angry and
3. Hopeless with
4. Access to semi-automatic weapons
The debate focuses on the last quality. What about the first three? How can we change it?
I have two young boys. I can no longer be complicit in creating a world where they may grow up to be victims or killers. Let's get gun policies together and let's make this a world where we give young men the help they need.
Please America, stop clinging to your weapons, pay attention, and be kind.
What if that was my child? my sister, my mother, my son?
How could this happen? How can those families bear this?
Since Columbine, I've noticed that there is less talk of evil since past mass shootings. We as a culture have grown so accustomed to this horror that we no longer label it something so far from what "good" people do, because, in fact, "good" people raised those young men, who became murderers.
What we see in these years is a series of disturbed and angry young men with access to weapons of efficient and devastating destruction. Who knows what was going through their minds? Maybe....maybe in those deranged minds, they might have even felt they were doing something good. We can not continue thinking of these tragedies in terms of morality. Morality is irrelevant in a deranged mind.
So then, why did Adam Lanza go on his killing spree?
Of late, mass murderers have these qualities in common:
1. Young men, most likely mentally ill, who are
2. Angry and
3. Hopeless with
4. Access to semi-automatic weapons
The debate focuses on the last quality. What about the first three? How can we change it?
I have two young boys. I can no longer be complicit in creating a world where they may grow up to be victims or killers. Let's get gun policies together and let's make this a world where we give young men the help they need.
Please America, stop clinging to your weapons, pay attention, and be kind.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Why you should always be job searching
I have been struggling with motivation in my job search. My job counselor encouraged me to start applying and that's what I've been doing. Since I've started I often think about what advice I'd give to the pre-layoff me. Hands down, it is to through the entire process of applying for a new job on a regular basis. Why? Because it's a way to...
...assess yourself...
For the last few years, I was focusing on advancing and focusing on the job at hand. I also thought that I did have my resume up-to-date and was working on networking. But nothing beats going through the whole process. What happened to me was I focused too much on the circumstances around me and got complacent. I didn't step back to 1) assess and recognize all that I've done and 2) look at myself as a hiring manager would.
Yesterday I applied for three jobs online. Fat Tony was kind enough to review my resume and cover letters. In the process he asked why I wasn't putting on my other publications. I said, "I don't have any other publications." He informed me that yes, I did and I was in fact second author on a couple of publications from my post-doc. In my mind I had written that period off and avoided any news from that lab. It's baffling self-sabotage and I can't explain why I never checked, but there they were in PubMed.
...in light of current open positions...
It helps to step back and ask where do I want to go? Look for jobs whenever you've got 10 minutes and print out any reqs that look appealing. Then apply for something you'd really want, not in a "I'm just testing the waters" kind of way, but in a "I want it and I will get it" kind of way. Write a customized cover letter. Tailor your resume. Think very hard about how that resume is going to get through the automated keyword search to make it to the HR contractor sifting through the resumes and ultimately to the hiring manager. I am finding that with each iteration I get more efficient and the resume looks a bit more "right".
Part of the job search process is to create stories about yourself for easy reference so when you are interviewing, you don't get all deer in headlights and blank on how to answer "Why should we hire you". It's an exercise that is so easy to do, I end up not doing it and then I forget. Applying for jobs is a way to make you stop and actuall document stories that fit the job description and write them down as you build your "Why I'm Great" database.
When you look for jobs you are forcing yourself to find a goal. When you are building a career, you need to see how what you are doing is adding up to a goal.
and through other's eyes
The outplacement firm continually states that up to 80% of jobs are filled through networking. I am highly skeptical of that figure, but recognize that networking is a must. There are plenty of benefits to networking, but the one I want to talk about here is helping you understand how you appear to others.
The more I network, the more I like it, but something I did not expect was hearing how people perceive me or my background. For example, I thought that I didn't want to introduce anything about my research, opting to keep my resume brief. But a recent conversation changed my mind. It's there for background, just not featured.
I've gotten feedback that I am "technical" (whatever that means) and that my lacking an MBA is a serious gap given my current aspirations, so I'm revising my search criteria and seeking opportunities to do some volunteer marketing.
...and it's a way to stay current with common Office tools
I bought Office 2010 so I could work on my resume and other documents for the job search. After Fat Tony suggested I clean up my resume formatting, I knew I was a good decade behind the times. (Having worked on Office 2003 at work until this year did not help.) I've been working through a bunch of tutorials on Office and am happy to say that my resume is not in all Arial 11 point font.
I am finding that I have limitless uses for Excel and I'm sure we'll be using Word and Powerpoint for Fat Tony's new small business.
These days the documents we create are a reflection of us. It's worth it to take the time to make sure you can create an impressive ones.
...assess yourself...
For the last few years, I was focusing on advancing and focusing on the job at hand. I also thought that I did have my resume up-to-date and was working on networking. But nothing beats going through the whole process. What happened to me was I focused too much on the circumstances around me and got complacent. I didn't step back to 1) assess and recognize all that I've done and 2) look at myself as a hiring manager would.
Yesterday I applied for three jobs online. Fat Tony was kind enough to review my resume and cover letters. In the process he asked why I wasn't putting on my other publications. I said, "I don't have any other publications." He informed me that yes, I did and I was in fact second author on a couple of publications from my post-doc. In my mind I had written that period off and avoided any news from that lab. It's baffling self-sabotage and I can't explain why I never checked, but there they were in PubMed.
...in light of current open positions...
It helps to step back and ask where do I want to go? Look for jobs whenever you've got 10 minutes and print out any reqs that look appealing. Then apply for something you'd really want, not in a "I'm just testing the waters" kind of way, but in a "I want it and I will get it" kind of way. Write a customized cover letter. Tailor your resume. Think very hard about how that resume is going to get through the automated keyword search to make it to the HR contractor sifting through the resumes and ultimately to the hiring manager. I am finding that with each iteration I get more efficient and the resume looks a bit more "right".
Part of the job search process is to create stories about yourself for easy reference so when you are interviewing, you don't get all deer in headlights and blank on how to answer "Why should we hire you". It's an exercise that is so easy to do, I end up not doing it and then I forget. Applying for jobs is a way to make you stop and actuall document stories that fit the job description and write them down as you build your "Why I'm Great" database.
When you look for jobs you are forcing yourself to find a goal. When you are building a career, you need to see how what you are doing is adding up to a goal.
and through other's eyes
The outplacement firm continually states that up to 80% of jobs are filled through networking. I am highly skeptical of that figure, but recognize that networking is a must. There are plenty of benefits to networking, but the one I want to talk about here is helping you understand how you appear to others.
The more I network, the more I like it, but something I did not expect was hearing how people perceive me or my background. For example, I thought that I didn't want to introduce anything about my research, opting to keep my resume brief. But a recent conversation changed my mind. It's there for background, just not featured.
I've gotten feedback that I am "technical" (whatever that means) and that my lacking an MBA is a serious gap given my current aspirations, so I'm revising my search criteria and seeking opportunities to do some volunteer marketing.
...and it's a way to stay current with common Office tools
I bought Office 2010 so I could work on my resume and other documents for the job search. After Fat Tony suggested I clean up my resume formatting, I knew I was a good decade behind the times. (Having worked on Office 2003 at work until this year did not help.) I've been working through a bunch of tutorials on Office and am happy to say that my resume is not in all Arial 11 point font.
I am finding that I have limitless uses for Excel and I'm sure we'll be using Word and Powerpoint for Fat Tony's new small business.
These days the documents we create are a reflection of us. It's worth it to take the time to make sure you can create an impressive ones.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Negative thinking
Here's an article from the WSJ on the Power of negative thinking I like it because it counters rigid conformance to having SMART goals and unrelenting positive attitude. Not to discount the idea of having tangible goals and being a good personality to work with, I find that when working through layers of hierarchy, SMART goals can become a decoy. Upper management focuses on the measurable goals and loses sight of current events. For example, management might focus on achieving sales goals when there is a disastrous issue with product design or changing marketplace brewing. The positive attitude is a mask everyone puts on to be a good team player.
From my perspective, I can't say what my upper management was thinking and if I would have done things differently if I was in charge. But my goal now is to tuck away this experience and try and learn from it.
From my perspective, I can't say what my upper management was thinking and if I would have done things differently if I was in charge. But my goal now is to tuck away this experience and try and learn from it.
Friday, December 7, 2012
The problem with being extremely capable
I came across this post on LinkedIn recently and all sorts of bells went off in my head. The author Greg says that extremely capable people should be careful about not focusing because a recruiter or hiring manager doesn't know what to think of you. I believe this might be an issue women might have more so then men since women have a tendency to work for others more than for themselves. For example, a woman who negotiates on someone else's behalf will negotiate harder than for herself. The subject the author referenced is a woman, as were many of the commentators recognizing themselves in the article. It's certainly true for me.
I was that go-to person in my last job. When something needed to get done, I was tasked with it. And I would find a way to get it done. I had all sorts of connections, knew who needed to be talked to, understood the subtleties of our organization, I could find loopholes. At the time, I was proud of that accomplishment. I felt capable, trusted, maybe even special. Now I am feeling duped. The people who gave me the tasks didn't particularly care about my career development and longevity. They needed things done and they knew I could do it. Where are they now? Enough to say, not in the same situation as me.
Thing is, I thought I was focusing in an area--doing assorted tasks within Sales and Commercial operations to promote business. Doing what others wanted from me, thinking there would be a payoff later. My plan was to leverage my connections to something more focused with more feather-in-cap potential like a product manager position in the next year. Had the actual product not been so flawed as to warrant near complete redesign, it might have worked.
Not all is lost. But I will avoid saying "go-to" or positioning myself as that extremely capable person. The feedback, whether wanted or not, from former colleagues is that I am "technical". Personally, I am not fond of the term, but does connote an ability to master information quickly and to solve problems. So I will go with that.
When I read Inc.com articles about hiring the candidates who can do anything with passion, I forgot who I was appealing to. Inc.com is for entrepreneurs. I would like to be an entrepreneur. But right now I am not applying to entrepreneurial companies. A job req might say "entrepreneurial spirit", but who is at the other end is an HR contractor who is looking for X years of direct experience, a hiring manager who wants proof of said experience, and a department who is looking for guaranteed ROI for said job, not Inc's audience.
Time to do some more refocusing.
I was that go-to person in my last job. When something needed to get done, I was tasked with it. And I would find a way to get it done. I had all sorts of connections, knew who needed to be talked to, understood the subtleties of our organization, I could find loopholes. At the time, I was proud of that accomplishment. I felt capable, trusted, maybe even special. Now I am feeling duped. The people who gave me the tasks didn't particularly care about my career development and longevity. They needed things done and they knew I could do it. Where are they now? Enough to say, not in the same situation as me.
Thing is, I thought I was focusing in an area--doing assorted tasks within Sales and Commercial operations to promote business. Doing what others wanted from me, thinking there would be a payoff later. My plan was to leverage my connections to something more focused with more feather-in-cap potential like a product manager position in the next year. Had the actual product not been so flawed as to warrant near complete redesign, it might have worked.
Not all is lost. But I will avoid saying "go-to" or positioning myself as that extremely capable person. The feedback, whether wanted or not, from former colleagues is that I am "technical". Personally, I am not fond of the term, but does connote an ability to master information quickly and to solve problems. So I will go with that.
When I read Inc.com articles about hiring the candidates who can do anything with passion, I forgot who I was appealing to. Inc.com is for entrepreneurs. I would like to be an entrepreneur. But right now I am not applying to entrepreneurial companies. A job req might say "entrepreneurial spirit", but who is at the other end is an HR contractor who is looking for X years of direct experience, a hiring manager who wants proof of said experience, and a department who is looking for guaranteed ROI for said job, not Inc's audience.
Time to do some more refocusing.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Recharge
Job hunting is depressing. It seems like employers are looking for experiences I just don't have. Much of the challenge is attitude, though. Bad feelings are highly unproductive. I need to do some laughing. So here are some links.
The Mathias quads laughing in sync is here. This is a classic from AFV. I didn't see a link posted by the Mathias family so they don't get the ad revenue, but here's one that was.
Here's that happy Scandinavian baby, one of the original laughing babies.
Finally, as if we needed one, a link for reasons to have children.
The Mathias quads laughing in sync is here. This is a classic from AFV. I didn't see a link posted by the Mathias family so they don't get the ad revenue, but here's one that was.
Here's that happy Scandinavian baby, one of the original laughing babies.
Finally, as if we needed one, a link for reasons to have children.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Money and happiness
In a survey of 13 countries, the Skandia International’s Wealth Sentiment Monitor finds that of the money needed for people to feel happy is is around $161,000. I am assuming per year. The survey includes some very affluent regions like Saudi Arabia, Hong Kong, and Singapore and interestingly does not include the US.
That seems like a lot of money.
The figure I've always been shooting for was a widely publicized $75K per person, about $150K for our family.
Given the fact that we are talking about people's perceptions of something as hard to define as happiness and the striking regional variables in sampling, I recognize that these numbers have little value for individuals. Yet, I can't help but feel like I'm falling behind. I suspect pithy headlines like this were aiming for us to reflect on how much better or worse we feel relative to the $161K.
But when you read the report, there are many interesting observations about what people are doing and will do for money and the security and happiness it brings. Many are willing to move countries. Many are increasing their wealth primarily through cash (work, I am assuming), but next is through investments in property.
The way I've always seen the money and happiness connection is that money helps us provide for our necessities (enough to eat, house, clothing, home). From there additional money is used to fulfill the individual's desires like need for status symbols. Too bad these kinds of reports don't give us numbers (which I think would be easy to collect) on how much it actually costs to cover necessary costs and report on the discrepancy between required and desired incomes.
That seems like a lot of money.
The figure I've always been shooting for was a widely publicized $75K per person, about $150K for our family.
Given the fact that we are talking about people's perceptions of something as hard to define as happiness and the striking regional variables in sampling, I recognize that these numbers have little value for individuals. Yet, I can't help but feel like I'm falling behind. I suspect pithy headlines like this were aiming for us to reflect on how much better or worse we feel relative to the $161K.
But when you read the report, there are many interesting observations about what people are doing and will do for money and the security and happiness it brings. Many are willing to move countries. Many are increasing their wealth primarily through cash (work, I am assuming), but next is through investments in property.
The way I've always seen the money and happiness connection is that money helps us provide for our necessities (enough to eat, house, clothing, home). From there additional money is used to fulfill the individual's desires like need for status symbols. Too bad these kinds of reports don't give us numbers (which I think would be easy to collect) on how much it actually costs to cover necessary costs and report on the discrepancy between required and desired incomes.
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