Dealing with the Christmas Blues

Since I've had kids, the holidays have transformed for me from a time when I would feel alone and sad to something that I am grateful for.

I grew up in an immigrant house. My parents didn't celebrate the holidays, except to please us kids and didn't have a social circle to speak of. I didn't go to Santa Claus, never wrote a letter listing my wants, never truly believed in him the way my kids do. The holiday meal became a breast of turkey, a box of Stove Top, a box of mashed potatoes, canned corn, and canned gravy. We didn't go to church, were never invited to parties, and needless to say, never hosted people. While my mother comes from a large scattered family, we never visited, so I rarely saw my cousins, if at all. My father's family was within a couple of hours, but holiday gatherings were always limited to lunch at a busy restaurant where I sat mute because I couldn't speak the language. This was my paradigm.

So when I went to college and finally saw how other people, my peers, met the season, I just could not "get" it. I didn't know who I should be celebrating with, couldn't find the correct things to write in cards, never felt I could give appropriate gifts, and over the years, gave up on trying because it was just too hard. Maybe an outsider would look at me and think that I was quiet, but overall well-adjusted. But that stretch from October to New Year was emotionally brutal. It was when I felt most acutely how different and [insert pejorative here] I was. Every year, as Christmas approached, I felt more disconnected and more hopeless. All I wanted to do was duck and cover.

I guess you can say that work was my escape. I could always go to the lab and find some work to do. I could be alone, doing something that made sense. It felt like I needed to go in, but in retrospect, it was my way of avoiding the season.

I'm lucky that Fat Tony chose a life with me, but it's not easy for him. Because I have difficultly doing the "right" things around holidays and major life events, I have some issues with the in-laws.

Since college we've moved approximately every two years. We went from central NY to various sites in New England, the Bay Area, Southern California, and finally to the Chicago area. We always had something resembling a social life, depending on your definition, but no consistent relations.

For my kids' sake, I need to find a new way of being. Fortunately, this year I am unemployed and on severance. This is the best gift. My life at home is my work. So I spend my days thinking about things that need to be done and changed. I have been working on keeping house, decluttering, and other projects.

This is the third year in our home, the first where I have actually become engaged in it. We've got a long way to go, but it's the first step to building stronger social foundation. Our house has to match our needs. This means we have to really think about our needs. Who are we and what do we want to do?

I've also been doing a lot of thinking of the religious origins of the holiday. My kids have to understand what Christmas is really about.

I feel ashamed, to not truly understanding what needs to be done until now. The choices I was making were creating this situation where I felt hopeless and alone. Yet, I had no other paradigm to work from, could not take another perspective. Every other year, I could be distracted by work. I know my parents were doing their best and that's all one can hope for. I'd like to do my best for my kids too.

We will be going to my parents' house, but we won't be making the traditional meal. It is time for some new traditions.