On the bright side...

I get to eat lots of meat.

The blood test came back and the nurse who called me today said my hemoglobin was at 6.5. That's pretty anemic. Anything under a 6 would have qualified for a transfusion and that count was taken FIVE days after I was feeling my worst, eight after my first symptoms.The idea that I might have been on the brink of death has scared the bejesus out of me and all I can think to do is find ways to ingest iron (vitamins, eat meat), get out my feelings (cry, write), and find ways to deflect my thinking (Netflix). I also sent Fat Tony out to get some Prilosec.

They recommended I get my gastrointestinal system checked out and I am actively procrastinating on that task.

Note to all you well-intentioned advice givers, including my future self: Telling others, "You have to relax," doesn't actually make that person relax. In fact, it does the opposite.


This is all leading somewhere good, right?

Overwhelmed

I haven't been able to attend to much job searching lately, what with some issues with a bleeding GI tract. When I'm not exhausted, I am in pain with a killer headache. My low point was on Saturday morning, when I nearly passed out in the shower because raising my hands above my head was so taxing. If I hadn't improved by that evening we were going to the ER. Fortunately, I have been improving steadily and will be seeing a doctor for a check-up on Wed.

Were it not for the sudden onset of this "illness" I would not be so scared. It's like my body has betrayed me. Usually I feel stomach pains with any sort of stress. This time, it seems like my body went straight from healthy and pain-free to bleeding ulcer without any sort of warning. It's almost as if there was a tear inside me that took a few days to heal up. I have no idea why and at this point prefer not to conjecture. I am hoping the doctor can provide more details. In my amateur assessment of my situation now, my body is working on making more blood cells and there's not much more I can do on that front outside of eat well and rest.

While I know there is some life lesson perspective to be gained here, I'm not sure what because if my condition was brought on by stress and I was working, then it probably would have never happened. If it was brought on by some dumb random happening, like a really strong sneeze, then I might have been in a more precarious position if I were traveling, than at home, when the severe weakness hit.

More time at home with the kids is not bad. We've been reading and watching the brilliant show, Aquabats! If you were to look at my lifestyle--eating, sleeping, hanging with the kids--it's fabulous. Now, if I could only walk upstairs without getting winded...

Midnight panic attack

Got news about another hopeful prospect...they didn't say no, just not yet. So I will wait some more. It isn't a rejection, but I am still in this holding pattern. The explanation the recruiter had was that they were focusing on another position. However, I also know things can change. The longer the position goes unfilled, the more likely funding can be cut or another person fills in the gap.

Staying hopeful is getting tough. It makes anything associated with job hunting more difficult. But I am working on filtering out the bad thoughts and focusing on the positive, visualizing what out life could be like and having that motivate me to do more.

Of course, that was easy to write. Practicing it is more difficult. And then I wonder what if we need health insurance?

It's the middle of the night and I think I just had a panic attack. I think so because I threw up, a lot. I'm not the delicate type, not ill and no one else here seems to be, no alcohol at dinner, just couldn't sleep so I thought I would work on a house project only to get progressively more nauseous until I was puking my dinner out. I do feel much better, though.

I am ready to accept almost anything, just to keep us afloat. At this point, I think I have applied for most everything I can from my current plan and am waiting for more reqs to appear. Doing searches amounts to looking under rocks. I need to spend my time more effectively.

I've got a volunteer/networking activity lined up and when I am feeling more chipper, I will work on getting more people to take time out of their busy schedule to speak to me about my job hunt "marketing plan."

But where I must set some time aside for everyday is for laying the groundwork for our business. I've got some ideas for our business. Now it's time for research and plan.

Back to the grind

Well, we are regaining some semblance of routine after the holidays. We spent Christmas day at home, then drove off to my parents'. My parents, especially my dad, are not so energetic anymore and have let their possessions take over their house. Between my brother's family and ours we took what may be tons of stuff to the dump and recycling. Hoarding: Buried Alive served as inspiration. By the way, we also discovered Amish Mafia (so great!).

Now I am back in the swing of things and this job hunting is rough. I've had a few phone screens so far and am beginning to rethink my job expectations. After an interview I thought went well, I was told that my salary expectations were too high. Say what? I did say I was willing to negotiate, so what gives? I believe there was probably something about me that the hiring manager just didn't take to and used that number I put on the online application to not move ahead with me. So two lessons learned: 1) put the absolute minimum number to make it through the filters, 2) air out any concerns during the interview.

I guess I should just chock it up to fate, that this just wasn't meant to be. Would I really have been happy working for this manager and he happy with me? It is worth stating again that 80% of jobs are supposedly got by networking. By the time most jobs have made it to posting, there is already an inside candidate.

I am diligently looking for openings, applying online, looking for contacts at these companies and networking. I'm not sure which is more difficult, networking or applying anymore. Networking certainly provides more ups and downs. Some acquaintances get back to me right away, others, never. The most frustrating are those I know indirectly (friend of a friend type of thing) who agree to speak, but are too busy, want to schedule, then don't get back to me. I am more aggressive in simply calling, but I hate feeling like this is a one-sided conversation.

Yesterday, I received notice of several no-go's on a number of fronts and was feeling beaten. Thankfully, I joined a women's business association earlier and registered to go to an event last night. I couldn't miss this thing after paying all that money and I am so glad I did. I have never been to a meeting with so many helpful, friendly people. While nothing has materialized yet, it gives me hope.

That said, this experience is showing me that I absolutely must be researching small business opportunities, not just researching, but working on them with real conviction. If I don't start doing now, I will remain just a dreamer.