Thoughts lately

My mind has been all a jumble of late. Health problems, bills, a problem with payroll, assorted kid stuff, and let us not forget the job search.

The pharma industry has decided that they don't need people in sales and marketing, but regulatory people. Surprise! After all the years of run up to Obamacare, they realize this now that having regulatory "talent" is important. So let's lay off all the S&M people who we've been pushing to make ridiculous numbers these past years, demoralize the remaining troops and say we can't find any good talent. Brilliant strategy. Yay Business! Let's run government like a business!

And what kills me is I am trying to find a job in this mess.

I've said it again and again that I want my own business one day. If all goes well, I should have at least another 20 years of work ahead of me. So it makes sense to go back to school and retool. I've been thinking about health informatics.

In my worst moments, I consider what if...What if I had only focused on a path early and stayed there. I could be a director or VP by now like some of my cohorts. But I don't have the attention span or haven't found something that I could do day-in-day out reliably, so I moved to different, though related jobs. In different times, I might have been considered a "go-getter". Now, I am not specialized enough.

It's been tough on my psyche. My self-esteem has been taking a beating. Applying for jobs that I don't exactly match, being evaluated on things I probably don't care about. Being told again and again that I don't have what they are looking for. Makes me think that I'm not able to do anything and brings out the worst thoughts I can have about myself. I give in to those thoughts now and then, but always resolve to brighten up the next day. It does get better and I know that one day I will see this time as a turning point--for the better.

It is important to make the most of my time. I've started studying Chinese and programming, am coming up with ideas for projects, and generally trying to keep my mind active. Decluttering and organizing are  up there for priorities. And I am searching for faith and inspiration. Still have a ways to go for all of these goals, but I do believe if I am persistent these changes will happen.