I want to be a good mom, but I am not. Now that FT is teaching, I watch the kids more so there is even less time to look for and apply for jobs, to network, and to re-tool with new skills.
If I were equally efficient and clear-headed throughout the day, I believe I could manage it. But I have a definite clear period in the morning. I try and get up at 5 every morning to take advantage of that time before the kids get up, but with later nights because of that damned summer daylight, and a fan running at night because it's just too hot for me to sleep without a fan, I miss my alarm. Usually one of the boys is up between 6:30 or 7:30. This does not give me much quiet time at all.
This morning I insisted on completing a volunteer activity, a newsletter I am ghostwriting. The boys come over and want to eat. They want to eat candy they got from the night before at a birthday party. They want to talk about toys they want. They talk about the party yesterday. I cannont negotiate this and finish this assignment. So I snap and yell at them to leave me alone until I am done because a normal voice doesn't work. Then they cry. I write this entry while making them blueberry pancakes.
Being unemployed is tough. I don't know if it is tough because I have no identity apart from being a mother or if it is tough because I am constantly worrying about money. I often think that if I knew in college what my life would be like now, I would have made very different choices. Money isn't everything, but worrying about money is tainting pretty much every aspect of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment