Since I've had kids, the holidays have transformed for me from a time when I would feel alone and sad to something that I am grateful for.
I grew up in an immigrant house. My parents didn't celebrate the holidays, except to please us kids and didn't have a social circle to speak of. I didn't go to Santa Claus, never wrote a letter listing my wants, never truly believed in him the way my kids do. The holiday meal became a breast of turkey, a box of Stove Top, a box of mashed potatoes, canned corn, and canned gravy. We didn't go to church, were never invited to parties, and needless to say, never hosted people. While my mother comes from a large scattered family, we never visited, so I rarely saw my cousins, if at all. My father's family was within a couple of hours, but holiday gatherings were always limited to lunch at a busy restaurant where I sat mute because I couldn't speak the language. This was my paradigm.
So when I went to college and finally saw how other people, my peers, met the season, I just could not "get" it. I didn't know who I should be celebrating with, couldn't find the correct things to write in cards, never felt I could
give appropriate gifts, and over the years, gave up on trying because
it was just too hard. Maybe an outsider would look at me and think that I was quiet, but overall well-adjusted. But that stretch from October to New Year was emotionally brutal. It was when I felt most acutely how different and [insert
pejorative here] I was. Every year, as Christmas approached, I felt more disconnected and more hopeless. All I wanted to do was duck and cover.
I guess you can say that work was my escape. I could always go to the lab and find some work to do. I could be alone, doing something that made sense. It felt like I needed to go in, but in retrospect, it was my way of avoiding the season.
I'm lucky that Fat Tony chose a life with me, but it's not easy for him. Because I have difficultly doing the "right" things around holidays and major life events, I have some issues with the in-laws.
Since college we've moved approximately every two
years. We went from central NY to various sites in New England, the
Bay Area, Southern California, and finally to the Chicago area. We
always had something resembling a social life, depending on your
definition, but no consistent relations.
For my kids' sake, I need to find a new way of being. Fortunately, this year I am unemployed and on severance. This is the best gift. My life at home is my work. So I spend my days thinking about things that need to be done and changed. I have been working on keeping house, decluttering, and other projects.
This is the third year in our home, the first where I have actually become engaged in it. We've got a long way to go, but it's the first step to building stronger social foundation. Our house has to match our needs. This means we have to really think about our needs. Who are we and what do we want to do?
I've also been doing a lot of thinking of the religious origins of the holiday. My kids have to understand what Christmas is really about.
I feel ashamed, to not truly understanding what needs to be done until now. The choices I was making were creating this situation where I felt hopeless and alone. Yet, I had no other paradigm to work from, could not take another perspective. Every other year, I could be distracted by work. I know my parents were doing their best and that's all one can hope for. I'd like to do my best for my kids too.
We will be going to my parents' house, but we won't be making the traditional meal. It is time for some new traditions.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Be Kind
With the horror at Newtown, it is difficult not to think what if?...
What if that was my child? my sister, my mother, my son?
How could this happen? How can those families bear this?
Since Columbine, I've noticed that there is less talk of evil since past mass shootings. We as a culture have grown so accustomed to this horror that we no longer label it something so far from what "good" people do, because, in fact, "good" people raised those young men, who became murderers.
What we see in these years is a series of disturbed and angry young men with access to weapons of efficient and devastating destruction. Who knows what was going through their minds? Maybe....maybe in those deranged minds, they might have even felt they were doing something good. We can not continue thinking of these tragedies in terms of morality. Morality is irrelevant in a deranged mind.
We know that like the other mass murderers before him, Adam Lanza used semi-automatic weapons. These were obtained legally, by his mother, his first victim. Let's assume that she believed her son would not use her cherished weapons upon herself or on an elementary school. It does not matter why she had them. From anecdotal reports, it seems that she just liked them, perhaps they made her feel powerful and strong. And, in America, that is her right.
So then, why did Adam Lanza go on his killing spree?
Of late, mass murderers have these qualities in common:
1. Young men, most likely mentally ill, who are
2. Angry and
3. Hopeless with
4. Access to semi-automatic weapons
The debate focuses on the last quality. What about the first three? How can we change it?
I have two young boys. I can no longer be complicit in creating a world where they may grow up to be victims or killers. Let's get gun policies together and let's make this a world where we give young men the help they need.
Please America, stop clinging to your weapons, pay attention, and be kind.
What if that was my child? my sister, my mother, my son?
How could this happen? How can those families bear this?
Since Columbine, I've noticed that there is less talk of evil since past mass shootings. We as a culture have grown so accustomed to this horror that we no longer label it something so far from what "good" people do, because, in fact, "good" people raised those young men, who became murderers.
What we see in these years is a series of disturbed and angry young men with access to weapons of efficient and devastating destruction. Who knows what was going through their minds? Maybe....maybe in those deranged minds, they might have even felt they were doing something good. We can not continue thinking of these tragedies in terms of morality. Morality is irrelevant in a deranged mind.
So then, why did Adam Lanza go on his killing spree?
Of late, mass murderers have these qualities in common:
1. Young men, most likely mentally ill, who are
2. Angry and
3. Hopeless with
4. Access to semi-automatic weapons
The debate focuses on the last quality. What about the first three? How can we change it?
I have two young boys. I can no longer be complicit in creating a world where they may grow up to be victims or killers. Let's get gun policies together and let's make this a world where we give young men the help they need.
Please America, stop clinging to your weapons, pay attention, and be kind.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Why you should always be job searching
I have been struggling with motivation in my job search. My job counselor encouraged me to start applying and that's what I've been doing. Since I've started I often think about what advice I'd give to the pre-layoff me. Hands down, it is to through the entire process of applying for a new job on a regular basis. Why? Because it's a way to...
...assess yourself...
For the last few years, I was focusing on advancing and focusing on the job at hand. I also thought that I did have my resume up-to-date and was working on networking. But nothing beats going through the whole process. What happened to me was I focused too much on the circumstances around me and got complacent. I didn't step back to 1) assess and recognize all that I've done and 2) look at myself as a hiring manager would.
Yesterday I applied for three jobs online. Fat Tony was kind enough to review my resume and cover letters. In the process he asked why I wasn't putting on my other publications. I said, "I don't have any other publications." He informed me that yes, I did and I was in fact second author on a couple of publications from my post-doc. In my mind I had written that period off and avoided any news from that lab. It's baffling self-sabotage and I can't explain why I never checked, but there they were in PubMed.
...in light of current open positions...
It helps to step back and ask where do I want to go? Look for jobs whenever you've got 10 minutes and print out any reqs that look appealing. Then apply for something you'd really want, not in a "I'm just testing the waters" kind of way, but in a "I want it and I will get it" kind of way. Write a customized cover letter. Tailor your resume. Think very hard about how that resume is going to get through the automated keyword search to make it to the HR contractor sifting through the resumes and ultimately to the hiring manager. I am finding that with each iteration I get more efficient and the resume looks a bit more "right".
Part of the job search process is to create stories about yourself for easy reference so when you are interviewing, you don't get all deer in headlights and blank on how to answer "Why should we hire you". It's an exercise that is so easy to do, I end up not doing it and then I forget. Applying for jobs is a way to make you stop and actuall document stories that fit the job description and write them down as you build your "Why I'm Great" database.
When you look for jobs you are forcing yourself to find a goal. When you are building a career, you need to see how what you are doing is adding up to a goal.
and through other's eyes
The outplacement firm continually states that up to 80% of jobs are filled through networking. I am highly skeptical of that figure, but recognize that networking is a must. There are plenty of benefits to networking, but the one I want to talk about here is helping you understand how you appear to others.
The more I network, the more I like it, but something I did not expect was hearing how people perceive me or my background. For example, I thought that I didn't want to introduce anything about my research, opting to keep my resume brief. But a recent conversation changed my mind. It's there for background, just not featured.
I've gotten feedback that I am "technical" (whatever that means) and that my lacking an MBA is a serious gap given my current aspirations, so I'm revising my search criteria and seeking opportunities to do some volunteer marketing.
...and it's a way to stay current with common Office tools
I bought Office 2010 so I could work on my resume and other documents for the job search. After Fat Tony suggested I clean up my resume formatting, I knew I was a good decade behind the times. (Having worked on Office 2003 at work until this year did not help.) I've been working through a bunch of tutorials on Office and am happy to say that my resume is not in all Arial 11 point font.
I am finding that I have limitless uses for Excel and I'm sure we'll be using Word and Powerpoint for Fat Tony's new small business.
These days the documents we create are a reflection of us. It's worth it to take the time to make sure you can create an impressive ones.
...assess yourself...
For the last few years, I was focusing on advancing and focusing on the job at hand. I also thought that I did have my resume up-to-date and was working on networking. But nothing beats going through the whole process. What happened to me was I focused too much on the circumstances around me and got complacent. I didn't step back to 1) assess and recognize all that I've done and 2) look at myself as a hiring manager would.
Yesterday I applied for three jobs online. Fat Tony was kind enough to review my resume and cover letters. In the process he asked why I wasn't putting on my other publications. I said, "I don't have any other publications." He informed me that yes, I did and I was in fact second author on a couple of publications from my post-doc. In my mind I had written that period off and avoided any news from that lab. It's baffling self-sabotage and I can't explain why I never checked, but there they were in PubMed.
...in light of current open positions...
It helps to step back and ask where do I want to go? Look for jobs whenever you've got 10 minutes and print out any reqs that look appealing. Then apply for something you'd really want, not in a "I'm just testing the waters" kind of way, but in a "I want it and I will get it" kind of way. Write a customized cover letter. Tailor your resume. Think very hard about how that resume is going to get through the automated keyword search to make it to the HR contractor sifting through the resumes and ultimately to the hiring manager. I am finding that with each iteration I get more efficient and the resume looks a bit more "right".
Part of the job search process is to create stories about yourself for easy reference so when you are interviewing, you don't get all deer in headlights and blank on how to answer "Why should we hire you". It's an exercise that is so easy to do, I end up not doing it and then I forget. Applying for jobs is a way to make you stop and actuall document stories that fit the job description and write them down as you build your "Why I'm Great" database.
When you look for jobs you are forcing yourself to find a goal. When you are building a career, you need to see how what you are doing is adding up to a goal.
and through other's eyes
The outplacement firm continually states that up to 80% of jobs are filled through networking. I am highly skeptical of that figure, but recognize that networking is a must. There are plenty of benefits to networking, but the one I want to talk about here is helping you understand how you appear to others.
The more I network, the more I like it, but something I did not expect was hearing how people perceive me or my background. For example, I thought that I didn't want to introduce anything about my research, opting to keep my resume brief. But a recent conversation changed my mind. It's there for background, just not featured.
I've gotten feedback that I am "technical" (whatever that means) and that my lacking an MBA is a serious gap given my current aspirations, so I'm revising my search criteria and seeking opportunities to do some volunteer marketing.
...and it's a way to stay current with common Office tools
I bought Office 2010 so I could work on my resume and other documents for the job search. After Fat Tony suggested I clean up my resume formatting, I knew I was a good decade behind the times. (Having worked on Office 2003 at work until this year did not help.) I've been working through a bunch of tutorials on Office and am happy to say that my resume is not in all Arial 11 point font.
I am finding that I have limitless uses for Excel and I'm sure we'll be using Word and Powerpoint for Fat Tony's new small business.
These days the documents we create are a reflection of us. It's worth it to take the time to make sure you can create an impressive ones.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Negative thinking
Here's an article from the WSJ on the Power of negative thinking I like it because it counters rigid conformance to having SMART goals and unrelenting positive attitude. Not to discount the idea of having tangible goals and being a good personality to work with, I find that when working through layers of hierarchy, SMART goals can become a decoy. Upper management focuses on the measurable goals and loses sight of current events. For example, management might focus on achieving sales goals when there is a disastrous issue with product design or changing marketplace brewing. The positive attitude is a mask everyone puts on to be a good team player.
From my perspective, I can't say what my upper management was thinking and if I would have done things differently if I was in charge. But my goal now is to tuck away this experience and try and learn from it.
From my perspective, I can't say what my upper management was thinking and if I would have done things differently if I was in charge. But my goal now is to tuck away this experience and try and learn from it.
Friday, December 7, 2012
The problem with being extremely capable
I came across this post on LinkedIn recently and all sorts of bells went off in my head. The author Greg says that extremely capable people should be careful about not focusing because a recruiter or hiring manager doesn't know what to think of you. I believe this might be an issue women might have more so then men since women have a tendency to work for others more than for themselves. For example, a woman who negotiates on someone else's behalf will negotiate harder than for herself. The subject the author referenced is a woman, as were many of the commentators recognizing themselves in the article. It's certainly true for me.
I was that go-to person in my last job. When something needed to get done, I was tasked with it. And I would find a way to get it done. I had all sorts of connections, knew who needed to be talked to, understood the subtleties of our organization, I could find loopholes. At the time, I was proud of that accomplishment. I felt capable, trusted, maybe even special. Now I am feeling duped. The people who gave me the tasks didn't particularly care about my career development and longevity. They needed things done and they knew I could do it. Where are they now? Enough to say, not in the same situation as me.
Thing is, I thought I was focusing in an area--doing assorted tasks within Sales and Commercial operations to promote business. Doing what others wanted from me, thinking there would be a payoff later. My plan was to leverage my connections to something more focused with more feather-in-cap potential like a product manager position in the next year. Had the actual product not been so flawed as to warrant near complete redesign, it might have worked.
Not all is lost. But I will avoid saying "go-to" or positioning myself as that extremely capable person. The feedback, whether wanted or not, from former colleagues is that I am "technical". Personally, I am not fond of the term, but does connote an ability to master information quickly and to solve problems. So I will go with that.
When I read Inc.com articles about hiring the candidates who can do anything with passion, I forgot who I was appealing to. Inc.com is for entrepreneurs. I would like to be an entrepreneur. But right now I am not applying to entrepreneurial companies. A job req might say "entrepreneurial spirit", but who is at the other end is an HR contractor who is looking for X years of direct experience, a hiring manager who wants proof of said experience, and a department who is looking for guaranteed ROI for said job, not Inc's audience.
Time to do some more refocusing.
I was that go-to person in my last job. When something needed to get done, I was tasked with it. And I would find a way to get it done. I had all sorts of connections, knew who needed to be talked to, understood the subtleties of our organization, I could find loopholes. At the time, I was proud of that accomplishment. I felt capable, trusted, maybe even special. Now I am feeling duped. The people who gave me the tasks didn't particularly care about my career development and longevity. They needed things done and they knew I could do it. Where are they now? Enough to say, not in the same situation as me.
Thing is, I thought I was focusing in an area--doing assorted tasks within Sales and Commercial operations to promote business. Doing what others wanted from me, thinking there would be a payoff later. My plan was to leverage my connections to something more focused with more feather-in-cap potential like a product manager position in the next year. Had the actual product not been so flawed as to warrant near complete redesign, it might have worked.
Not all is lost. But I will avoid saying "go-to" or positioning myself as that extremely capable person. The feedback, whether wanted or not, from former colleagues is that I am "technical". Personally, I am not fond of the term, but does connote an ability to master information quickly and to solve problems. So I will go with that.
When I read Inc.com articles about hiring the candidates who can do anything with passion, I forgot who I was appealing to. Inc.com is for entrepreneurs. I would like to be an entrepreneur. But right now I am not applying to entrepreneurial companies. A job req might say "entrepreneurial spirit", but who is at the other end is an HR contractor who is looking for X years of direct experience, a hiring manager who wants proof of said experience, and a department who is looking for guaranteed ROI for said job, not Inc's audience.
Time to do some more refocusing.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Recharge
Job hunting is depressing. It seems like employers are looking for experiences I just don't have. Much of the challenge is attitude, though. Bad feelings are highly unproductive. I need to do some laughing. So here are some links.
The Mathias quads laughing in sync is here. This is a classic from AFV. I didn't see a link posted by the Mathias family so they don't get the ad revenue, but here's one that was.
Here's that happy Scandinavian baby, one of the original laughing babies.
Finally, as if we needed one, a link for reasons to have children.
The Mathias quads laughing in sync is here. This is a classic from AFV. I didn't see a link posted by the Mathias family so they don't get the ad revenue, but here's one that was.
Here's that happy Scandinavian baby, one of the original laughing babies.
Finally, as if we needed one, a link for reasons to have children.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Money and happiness
In a survey of 13 countries, the Skandia International’s Wealth Sentiment Monitor finds that of the money needed for people to feel happy is is around $161,000. I am assuming per year. The survey includes some very affluent regions like Saudi Arabia, Hong Kong, and Singapore and interestingly does not include the US.
That seems like a lot of money.
The figure I've always been shooting for was a widely publicized $75K per person, about $150K for our family.
Given the fact that we are talking about people's perceptions of something as hard to define as happiness and the striking regional variables in sampling, I recognize that these numbers have little value for individuals. Yet, I can't help but feel like I'm falling behind. I suspect pithy headlines like this were aiming for us to reflect on how much better or worse we feel relative to the $161K.
But when you read the report, there are many interesting observations about what people are doing and will do for money and the security and happiness it brings. Many are willing to move countries. Many are increasing their wealth primarily through cash (work, I am assuming), but next is through investments in property.
The way I've always seen the money and happiness connection is that money helps us provide for our necessities (enough to eat, house, clothing, home). From there additional money is used to fulfill the individual's desires like need for status symbols. Too bad these kinds of reports don't give us numbers (which I think would be easy to collect) on how much it actually costs to cover necessary costs and report on the discrepancy between required and desired incomes.
That seems like a lot of money.
The figure I've always been shooting for was a widely publicized $75K per person, about $150K for our family.
Given the fact that we are talking about people's perceptions of something as hard to define as happiness and the striking regional variables in sampling, I recognize that these numbers have little value for individuals. Yet, I can't help but feel like I'm falling behind. I suspect pithy headlines like this were aiming for us to reflect on how much better or worse we feel relative to the $161K.
But when you read the report, there are many interesting observations about what people are doing and will do for money and the security and happiness it brings. Many are willing to move countries. Many are increasing their wealth primarily through cash (work, I am assuming), but next is through investments in property.
The way I've always seen the money and happiness connection is that money helps us provide for our necessities (enough to eat, house, clothing, home). From there additional money is used to fulfill the individual's desires like need for status symbols. Too bad these kinds of reports don't give us numbers (which I think would be easy to collect) on how much it actually costs to cover necessary costs and report on the discrepancy between required and desired incomes.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Prioritizing for the ambivalent job hunter
I tried really hard at this last job. Whatever they wanted me to do, I did it and did it well.
So what?
I was working on a product line that was fundamentally flawed and they laid off practically everyone in the commercial group as they started over. No matter how hard or well I worked, my efforts amounted to nothing and now I've got a lot of scattered experiences that prospective employers who are looking for proven abilities don't care about. My hope was that I would have enough connections internally to get me to the next stepping stone and while I can keep hope alive, I'll assume I need to move on.
I need a job. The time off from the last job has been wonderful and I have a taste for what it would be like to focus more on our home. Yet, there is the reality of our personal fiscal cliff looming in early 2013 when my severance runs out. Plan A is to wow prospective employers with my awesome transferrable skills and get into marketing. Plan B is to find something I've been doing well, but don't care that much about, so I can have some security to work on a small business.
My job coach says that companies make the most hires in Q4 in expectation of new budget cycles starting in Q1 so I should not slack off much longer. Applying for jobs should be my first priority. And who knows? I might be able to negotiate something that works for me. I really like her because she is good at pulling me back to reality.
I started applying for jobs in earnest this week and already have been rejected from one.
Because job hunting is disheartening and rejection news does get in the way of productivity, it's imperative to structure my time. I know I am terrible at sticking to a schedule. How I apply structure is by having a one or two big things that need to get done in a day and being productive around them. I like using my calendar on my phone to remind me of appointments, but that's it. The rest is in my head or on whatever piece of paper I find in the morning.
I procrastinate, a lot. But I am productive because I procrastinate.
I know that when I have a very important priority, I will find ways to do everything but. I make the job such a big deal that my brain gets paralyzed. The task becomes so important that I feel like everything has to be in perfect alignment before I take it on. This is perfectionist thinking and completely why I am encouraging my kids not to be perfectionists.
So I try not to have many Priorities, usually one, but up to three in a day, and lots of things-to-do-eventually. In addition to being few, the Priorities are also pretty modest, like, write a blog post, or apply for two jobs.
In terms of weekly goals, I mix up my job hunt Priorities. In no particular order, they are...
1. Job applications (aim for 2 in a day, two days a week as early as possible before demoralizing rejection news comes)
2. Networking (aim to talk to 5 people a week)
3. Industry research
4. Document creation (Resume customization, cover letters, blogging, job hunting-related statements, lots of lists.)
5. Exercise (need to fit into all my work clothes when do land a job!)
I find procrastinating with small tasks is is enormously useful. I know if I can get a small task done, then completing my top priority will eventually follow. This might not be a strategy everyone should follow, but works for me. and is a much better way use of time than say, watching all four seasons of Battlestar Galactica in a stretch, getting to level 45 of Candy Crush, or scoring 761,500 points in Bejeweled Diamond Mine.
So what?
I was working on a product line that was fundamentally flawed and they laid off practically everyone in the commercial group as they started over. No matter how hard or well I worked, my efforts amounted to nothing and now I've got a lot of scattered experiences that prospective employers who are looking for proven abilities don't care about. My hope was that I would have enough connections internally to get me to the next stepping stone and while I can keep hope alive, I'll assume I need to move on.
I need a job. The time off from the last job has been wonderful and I have a taste for what it would be like to focus more on our home. Yet, there is the reality of our personal fiscal cliff looming in early 2013 when my severance runs out. Plan A is to wow prospective employers with my awesome transferrable skills and get into marketing. Plan B is to find something I've been doing well, but don't care that much about, so I can have some security to work on a small business.
My job coach says that companies make the most hires in Q4 in expectation of new budget cycles starting in Q1 so I should not slack off much longer. Applying for jobs should be my first priority. And who knows? I might be able to negotiate something that works for me. I really like her because she is good at pulling me back to reality.
I started applying for jobs in earnest this week and already have been rejected from one.
Because job hunting is disheartening and rejection news does get in the way of productivity, it's imperative to structure my time. I know I am terrible at sticking to a schedule. How I apply structure is by having a one or two big things that need to get done in a day and being productive around them. I like using my calendar on my phone to remind me of appointments, but that's it. The rest is in my head or on whatever piece of paper I find in the morning.
I procrastinate, a lot. But I am productive because I procrastinate.
I know that when I have a very important priority, I will find ways to do everything but. I make the job such a big deal that my brain gets paralyzed. The task becomes so important that I feel like everything has to be in perfect alignment before I take it on. This is perfectionist thinking and completely why I am encouraging my kids not to be perfectionists.
So I try not to have many Priorities, usually one, but up to three in a day, and lots of things-to-do-eventually. In addition to being few, the Priorities are also pretty modest, like, write a blog post, or apply for two jobs.
In terms of weekly goals, I mix up my job hunt Priorities. In no particular order, they are...
1. Job applications (aim for 2 in a day, two days a week as early as possible before demoralizing rejection news comes)
2. Networking (aim to talk to 5 people a week)
3. Industry research
4. Document creation (Resume customization, cover letters, blogging, job hunting-related statements, lots of lists.)
5. Exercise (need to fit into all my work clothes when do land a job!)
I find procrastinating with small tasks is is enormously useful. I know if I can get a small task done, then completing my top priority will eventually follow. This might not be a strategy everyone should follow, but works for me. and is a much better way use of time than say, watching all four seasons of Battlestar Galactica in a stretch, getting to level 45 of Candy Crush, or scoring 761,500 points in Bejeweled Diamond Mine.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Job Hunt Blues
We got back from a thoroughly enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday at relatives to start my job hunt. I have a personal goal of applying to two jobs this week, but have hit some road blocks. First, the jobs I will be applying for are not jobs I really want. One is far away in a place, the other is doing something I don't want to do. So I've been procrastinating on this task.
One way I've been dealing has been to look for openings locally. I've got a list and I'm hoping that I will handle these two with the bulk of applications.
Another has been to bog myself down with self-defeating thoughts: It seems like I have not made it on to the short list for a job I applied for a month ago. One one hand, I had always thought that it would have been unreasonable to think that I could get that job. It's a job in marketing and I just don't have the experience in it. On the other hand, I did have hope they would see the transferable aspects of my experience and skills.
I'm sure there are some lessons to be learned here, but I'm a bit sore at the thought of not even being considered.
I know a person who made it on to their short list. Funny thing is, he's done this sort of thing for so many years, he doesn't want to do it any more. But a job's a job.
Fat Tony tells me it's a good thing. One day I'll look back on this and think how I dodged a bullet. I know he's right, but there is a part of me wondering, "Why not me? What's wrong with me?" There's another part of me that's got the ugly answers. It's the same part of me that needs to chomp on potato chips when the going gets rough.
The difficulty now is to be focused. Here's my dream: to work for myself. Working for a company--it's a path to the dream. There are no guarantees of success for me, but to never have tried is worse than failing. I can't be distracted when others find new jobs because that's not my path, never was.
I need to focus on what's really important and never stop moving on it. What does all this mean? What am I actually going to do? Well, I guess we'll all have to stay tuned.
One way I've been dealing has been to look for openings locally. I've got a list and I'm hoping that I will handle these two with the bulk of applications.
Another has been to bog myself down with self-defeating thoughts: It seems like I have not made it on to the short list for a job I applied for a month ago. One one hand, I had always thought that it would have been unreasonable to think that I could get that job. It's a job in marketing and I just don't have the experience in it. On the other hand, I did have hope they would see the transferable aspects of my experience and skills.
I'm sure there are some lessons to be learned here, but I'm a bit sore at the thought of not even being considered.
I know a person who made it on to their short list. Funny thing is, he's done this sort of thing for so many years, he doesn't want to do it any more. But a job's a job.
Fat Tony tells me it's a good thing. One day I'll look back on this and think how I dodged a bullet. I know he's right, but there is a part of me wondering, "Why not me? What's wrong with me?" There's another part of me that's got the ugly answers. It's the same part of me that needs to chomp on potato chips when the going gets rough.
The difficulty now is to be focused. Here's my dream: to work for myself. Working for a company--it's a path to the dream. There are no guarantees of success for me, but to never have tried is worse than failing. I can't be distracted when others find new jobs because that's not my path, never was.
I need to focus on what's really important and never stop moving on it. What does all this mean? What am I actually going to do? Well, I guess we'll all have to stay tuned.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
The outplacement firm
I've been taking time to do things like spend more time with the boys and complete some house projects, which I have. Halloween is behind us and Thanksgiving in front, but where my head has been of late is in my job search.
This has been a really interesting time. Getting laid off is a bit like dying, to be over-dramatic. I have gone over to the "other side" and I feel a bit like a ghost to those I've worked with, like I don't exist any more. Any time I reach out to those still at the company, I feel a bit like I'm reaching out from the grave. That said, this period is proving to be enlightening. Perhaps that is another truthful analogy. Guess I will find out one day.
I have been working with an outplacement firm to organize my job search and it's been a good experience. This organization formalizes the job search process and gives us job seekers a structure to work from. I think a good number of job seekers would want to get right to work, applying to X number of jobs a week and if you know what you want to do, that would be reasonable. But for me, I am stepping back and assessing who I am and what I want/need...and I've got a workbook to help.
The company has created a template with definite milestones to meet and has many concrete examples for those of us lacking inspiration. For example, everyone has heard that most jobs come from networking. Yet, how do you really network? It's intimidating and I feel awkward and self-serving, not to mention exceptionally inferior. I know that in a lot of respects, I just have to get over it and think that this all part of a cycle. Someone will help me, I will help someone later. But there is also the matter of what to talk about. As part of the program you, the job seeker, have to put a marketing plan together, which means clearly defining what you want, who your target market is, and what you bring. This also serves as a handy document to build a discussion around when networking. If that's not enough, there is even a sample dialogue to help guide conversation.
I really like how this intimidating process is broken down into do-able steps with concrete deliverables. When I can't handle the idea of looking at more job postings I don't fit, I will work on something like a target list or a position statement. Then I've got something handy to in moments of panic or even mild insecurity. The plan is once I've got this down in writing, I will keep a ready copies around should I be ambushed one day by a recruiter. I am creating a security blanket.
While I say that all the above stuff is important, my counselor is keeping me on track for job applications. My tendency is to want to apply for only those jobs I love. But what she is saying is that while it is important to prioritize, I need to keep in mind that there is some negotiation that can happen and it's essential to be getting interviews, period. In all likelihood, I won't be getting the first job I interview for. Getting interviews is simply another part of the process. You have to practice and be sharp so you don't blow it when it really matters and it's very easy to fall out of practice quickly one you are out of the work environment. I have to remember that I can't talk to recruiters and hiring managers the way I would talk to family.
In addition to the counselor who helps me stay on track, there are webinars on aspects of the job search and even extends into entrepreneurship, and there are a set of online courses I can view pertaining to many aspects of business. Right now, I am working through Marketing and other Business curricula.
I have a time limit on how long I can use the resources, so even though I have milestones to meet, I am also working through all the online resources first as I will not need their help to actually apply to jobs.
All these skills seem so basic. I can't believe this was never formalized in my education. Because of this experience, I am a believer that basic project management should be on our homeschool curriculum.
This has been a really interesting time. Getting laid off is a bit like dying, to be over-dramatic. I have gone over to the "other side" and I feel a bit like a ghost to those I've worked with, like I don't exist any more. Any time I reach out to those still at the company, I feel a bit like I'm reaching out from the grave. That said, this period is proving to be enlightening. Perhaps that is another truthful analogy. Guess I will find out one day.
I have been working with an outplacement firm to organize my job search and it's been a good experience. This organization formalizes the job search process and gives us job seekers a structure to work from. I think a good number of job seekers would want to get right to work, applying to X number of jobs a week and if you know what you want to do, that would be reasonable. But for me, I am stepping back and assessing who I am and what I want/need...and I've got a workbook to help.
The company has created a template with definite milestones to meet and has many concrete examples for those of us lacking inspiration. For example, everyone has heard that most jobs come from networking. Yet, how do you really network? It's intimidating and I feel awkward and self-serving, not to mention exceptionally inferior. I know that in a lot of respects, I just have to get over it and think that this all part of a cycle. Someone will help me, I will help someone later. But there is also the matter of what to talk about. As part of the program you, the job seeker, have to put a marketing plan together, which means clearly defining what you want, who your target market is, and what you bring. This also serves as a handy document to build a discussion around when networking. If that's not enough, there is even a sample dialogue to help guide conversation.
I really like how this intimidating process is broken down into do-able steps with concrete deliverables. When I can't handle the idea of looking at more job postings I don't fit, I will work on something like a target list or a position statement. Then I've got something handy to in moments of panic or even mild insecurity. The plan is once I've got this down in writing, I will keep a ready copies around should I be ambushed one day by a recruiter. I am creating a security blanket.
While I say that all the above stuff is important, my counselor is keeping me on track for job applications. My tendency is to want to apply for only those jobs I love. But what she is saying is that while it is important to prioritize, I need to keep in mind that there is some negotiation that can happen and it's essential to be getting interviews, period. In all likelihood, I won't be getting the first job I interview for. Getting interviews is simply another part of the process. You have to practice and be sharp so you don't blow it when it really matters and it's very easy to fall out of practice quickly one you are out of the work environment. I have to remember that I can't talk to recruiters and hiring managers the way I would talk to family.
In addition to the counselor who helps me stay on track, there are webinars on aspects of the job search and even extends into entrepreneurship, and there are a set of online courses I can view pertaining to many aspects of business. Right now, I am working through Marketing and other Business curricula.
I have a time limit on how long I can use the resources, so even though I have milestones to meet, I am also working through all the online resources first as I will not need their help to actually apply to jobs.
All these skills seem so basic. I can't believe this was never formalized in my education. Because of this experience, I am a believer that basic project management should be on our homeschool curriculum.
Monday, November 5, 2012
We are doomed
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men
are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin
― George Carlin
Saturday, October 20, 2012
The gap
Last night our older son went to a Cub Scouts Halloween party. He was a ninja and won the "Looks like the Cub Scout did it himself" category of the pumpkin carving competition.
It seems as we get older the gap between what we want to be and what we are or believe to be gets wider and wider. At my son's age, he is a ninja because he wants to be. He can carve a prize-winning pumpkin and he can have fun at the party.
Who is it that I want to be? What do I need to do to become that? Is the gap really as great as I think it is?
It seems as we get older the gap between what we want to be and what we are or believe to be gets wider and wider. At my son's age, he is a ninja because he wants to be. He can carve a prize-winning pumpkin and he can have fun at the party.
Who is it that I want to be? What do I need to do to become that? Is the gap really as great as I think it is?
Friday, October 19, 2012
Axed
The ax has fallen. Late Tuesday I got a message for a one on one conversation with my acting manager, first thing Wednesday. That night I couldn't sleep, then ended up oversleeping. While getting ready, I cut my finger on a a razor I left where shouldn't have. Of all things, I was almost late to be let go.
My meeting was short. 30 minutes were allotted, but only took 10. The highlights were explained and a folder with relevant information given to me. There would be a follow-up conference call with an out-placement service later. That day I was to turn in my badge and computer before leaving. I thought I had most everything covered, but in retrospect, I still have some loose ends. No matter, I suppose.
I went in thinking that the cuts would be isolated to my very specific function of the business unit. For months, those around me had been thinking they were safe. As it turns out, the cuts were more widespread, extending into parts I thought were more stable, taking out people who thought they were safe, some very low, and some relatively high (the very high ranks were thinned in the spring). Some had absolutely no idea and were completely unprepared. One person I know didn't even have a resume.
There have been significant cuts throughout my industry this year as it struggles with the new world order. Bloated bureaucracies, unfavorable exchange rates, unstable economies, iffy business strategies and flawed execution. One more quarter to go for 2012. I expect companies in my industry to be making more cuts and limp along with remaining staff through Q4 as they try to scrimp and save to boost their bottom lines. This is going to be a very rough year.
For practical purposes, I am planning on sitting the rest of the year out. My severance package does get me there and we have buffer. I expect with the new budget cycle, more openings will appear 2013 Q1, but there will be a surplus of applicants, bargains to be had if you are a company hiring, I'm sure.
I'm not in a tailspin. Thankfully I had warning. But I'm having trouble finding a new groove despite all my talk. I am pretty sure that in retrospect watching all four seasons of the new Battlestar Galactica would not be considered a productive use of time, but here I am at season two.
My meeting was short. 30 minutes were allotted, but only took 10. The highlights were explained and a folder with relevant information given to me. There would be a follow-up conference call with an out-placement service later. That day I was to turn in my badge and computer before leaving. I thought I had most everything covered, but in retrospect, I still have some loose ends. No matter, I suppose.
I went in thinking that the cuts would be isolated to my very specific function of the business unit. For months, those around me had been thinking they were safe. As it turns out, the cuts were more widespread, extending into parts I thought were more stable, taking out people who thought they were safe, some very low, and some relatively high (the very high ranks were thinned in the spring). Some had absolutely no idea and were completely unprepared. One person I know didn't even have a resume.
There have been significant cuts throughout my industry this year as it struggles with the new world order. Bloated bureaucracies, unfavorable exchange rates, unstable economies, iffy business strategies and flawed execution. One more quarter to go for 2012. I expect companies in my industry to be making more cuts and limp along with remaining staff through Q4 as they try to scrimp and save to boost their bottom lines. This is going to be a very rough year.
For practical purposes, I am planning on sitting the rest of the year out. My severance package does get me there and we have buffer. I expect with the new budget cycle, more openings will appear 2013 Q1, but there will be a surplus of applicants, bargains to be had if you are a company hiring, I'm sure.
I'm not in a tailspin. Thankfully I had warning. But I'm having trouble finding a new groove despite all my talk. I am pretty sure that in retrospect watching all four seasons of the new Battlestar Galactica would not be considered a productive use of time, but here I am at season two.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The luxury of time
I think I have been looking forward to this in-between-job period for quite some time. Ever since I joined the company back in California, I've had my fears, so we've been diligently saving. Maybe not as aggressively as we could have, but compared to some, we are in pretty good shape. We relocated to the Midwest for its low housing costs, live in a house that I could easily cover with the paycheck I was getting, bought our now eight-year-old car with cash almost five years ago, do a lot of shopping at the thrift store, don't vary much in our grocery shopping habits--all that sort of frugal living. We contribute to various retirement accounts and best of all, we've been contributing to Coverdell Education Savings Accounts for the boys for years. We've paid a lot out-of-pocket this year for school and other classes, so we can use this account to cover those costs.
With our money buffer, I have the luxury of time. I don't have to panic about making ends meet and look for anything that will pay the bills. Instead, I can put career growth before paying the bills for now.
I am also using this time to work on getting some kind of balance with the boys and with the home.
Reflecting on my past way of doing things, I see that one of the road blocks to my getting things done and being "present" is the persistent chaos around the home. You might even say that work was my way of escaping that chaos. I understand that it is difficult to be the stay-at-home parent, but it's not easy to be the at-work parent either. When you are the at-work parent, you are expected to shift gears easily. Engage at work then engage at home.
Here's my problem. It's really, really difficult for me to engage at home at the end of the day. I am basically an introvert and need quiet time to recharge so when work is done I need to shut down. My guilty admission is that I really liked traveling for work because the end of my work day was the end of my work day and while I might have been calling or emailing people, I was not beginning another bout of negotiation and action, like getting unwilling children to brush. I could read or watch television, iron my clothes...the extravagance!
Secondly, what home with two young boys is not going to be... disorganized? When clothes, toys, and food are intermingled focus can be challenging. It's not just them, of course. Fat Tony and I also tend towards disorder.
On one hand you might say, "C'est la vie." On the other, I fear we may be unintentionally teaching our boys patterns that will make their adult lives more difficult. They might not be able to see the world in the way most do and are unable to relate to others well, might not be armed with a work-hard ethic, might not have the self-confidence and persistence to overcome challenges, might grow up with unacceptable (sloppy) behaviors that will make incorporating in society difficult. By being poor examples of how to take command of our surroundings, I am afraid we are in the process of raising two future homeless people.
Perhaps this is alarmist thinking. Another more pragmatic reason to change things is to make our lives easier. When there is a system, there is less ruminating about what to do. We can easily find things like, oh for example, the receipt and UPC label for the circular saw so we can register for the lifetime warranty.
So with my new-found time, I am going to invest in working on ways to make things better.
1. Engage with the boys.
Playing with them more would be a great start. Sadly, I am not the most fun, but I will try harder.
2. Declutter.
I do my best not to acquire things because letting go of them is difficult for me. I hold on to stuff. Those badge holders from conferences? Can't throw them out. Outgrown socks with no match? I might find it's missing half and then we can donate a usable pair.
Plus, I am not the only one that envisions what an item's life is like after I've parted with it? Sitting in a landfill, or dumped at sea? If there is some way I can find to make an item useful, don't I have some kind of responsibility to do it?
Because the rationalization for keeping things falls in line with frugal living, this resolution is the toughest.
3. Systemize household tasks.
I don't believe I really know how to run a house or ever understood how things "should" be done or sometimes even why. For whatever reasons, I just never got what homemaking was about. Now that I am a home owner, things are clicking and I feel like I am playing catch up with the rest of the world.
So I am taking little steps like making sure we have a place for measuring cups and spoons and making sure Fat Tony knows as well so he can put them in the same place. Yes, we have a long way to go because Fat Tony and I are organizationally challenged. We don't have a coach here to set us straight if we are deviating from plan, so it's up to us to police ourselves. Hello Excel spreadsheets!
3. Exercise more.
I was on a kick, running at least fifteen miles a week on our treadmill. Then our treadmill broke and we didn't fix it for months. Now I've got a persistent pain in my back and a growing beer belly. With all my free time, Fat Tony and I took the treadmill apart and fixed the problem. This is also something that can tie back to engaging with the boys. Our boys see us sitting at the computer all the time, not outside. We need to set a better example.
4. Find things I love doing.
Like writing a blog. I've always dreamed of having my own business, but I've always let outside circumstances control what I do. What was the point of studying for college, when I had no idea what I wanted to learn? Why did I spent weekends and nights working and thinking about the company's goals? I've been working for other people for far too long, doing things I didn't care about. If I don't find the things I love doing now and invest the time into becoming great at them, I will never find that future business.
That's it for now. To keep myself in line I will be reporting on my progress here.
With our money buffer, I have the luxury of time. I don't have to panic about making ends meet and look for anything that will pay the bills. Instead, I can put career growth before paying the bills for now.
I am also using this time to work on getting some kind of balance with the boys and with the home.
Reflecting on my past way of doing things, I see that one of the road blocks to my getting things done and being "present" is the persistent chaos around the home. You might even say that work was my way of escaping that chaos. I understand that it is difficult to be the stay-at-home parent, but it's not easy to be the at-work parent either. When you are the at-work parent, you are expected to shift gears easily. Engage at work then engage at home.
Here's my problem. It's really, really difficult for me to engage at home at the end of the day. I am basically an introvert and need quiet time to recharge so when work is done I need to shut down. My guilty admission is that I really liked traveling for work because the end of my work day was the end of my work day and while I might have been calling or emailing people, I was not beginning another bout of negotiation and action, like getting unwilling children to brush. I could read or watch television, iron my clothes...the extravagance!
Secondly, what home with two young boys is not going to be... disorganized? When clothes, toys, and food are intermingled focus can be challenging. It's not just them, of course. Fat Tony and I also tend towards disorder.
On one hand you might say, "C'est la vie." On the other, I fear we may be unintentionally teaching our boys patterns that will make their adult lives more difficult. They might not be able to see the world in the way most do and are unable to relate to others well, might not be armed with a work-hard ethic, might not have the self-confidence and persistence to overcome challenges, might grow up with unacceptable (sloppy) behaviors that will make incorporating in society difficult. By being poor examples of how to take command of our surroundings, I am afraid we are in the process of raising two future homeless people.
Perhaps this is alarmist thinking. Another more pragmatic reason to change things is to make our lives easier. When there is a system, there is less ruminating about what to do. We can easily find things like, oh for example, the receipt and UPC label for the circular saw so we can register for the lifetime warranty.
So with my new-found time, I am going to invest in working on ways to make things better.
1. Engage with the boys.
Playing with them more would be a great start. Sadly, I am not the most fun, but I will try harder.
2. Declutter.
I do my best not to acquire things because letting go of them is difficult for me. I hold on to stuff. Those badge holders from conferences? Can't throw them out. Outgrown socks with no match? I might find it's missing half and then we can donate a usable pair.
Plus, I am not the only one that envisions what an item's life is like after I've parted with it? Sitting in a landfill, or dumped at sea? If there is some way I can find to make an item useful, don't I have some kind of responsibility to do it?
Because the rationalization for keeping things falls in line with frugal living, this resolution is the toughest.
3. Systemize household tasks.
I don't believe I really know how to run a house or ever understood how things "should" be done or sometimes even why. For whatever reasons, I just never got what homemaking was about. Now that I am a home owner, things are clicking and I feel like I am playing catch up with the rest of the world.
So I am taking little steps like making sure we have a place for measuring cups and spoons and making sure Fat Tony knows as well so he can put them in the same place. Yes, we have a long way to go because Fat Tony and I are organizationally challenged. We don't have a coach here to set us straight if we are deviating from plan, so it's up to us to police ourselves. Hello Excel spreadsheets!
3. Exercise more.
I was on a kick, running at least fifteen miles a week on our treadmill. Then our treadmill broke and we didn't fix it for months. Now I've got a persistent pain in my back and a growing beer belly. With all my free time, Fat Tony and I took the treadmill apart and fixed the problem. This is also something that can tie back to engaging with the boys. Our boys see us sitting at the computer all the time, not outside. We need to set a better example.
4. Find things I love doing.
Like writing a blog. I've always dreamed of having my own business, but I've always let outside circumstances control what I do. What was the point of studying for college, when I had no idea what I wanted to learn? Why did I spent weekends and nights working and thinking about the company's goals? I've been working for other people for far too long, doing things I didn't care about. If I don't find the things I love doing now and invest the time into becoming great at them, I will never find that future business.
That's it for now. To keep myself in line I will be reporting on my progress here.
Monday, October 8, 2012
My job search process
It's been over 3 weeks since I got news of our lay off and each day has been very different from the last. If I were to break down the weeks, I'd say that the first week was filled with straight-up grieving--a real demonstration of how mental state (reminder of the loss of identity for past 4 years and impact to family and future) translates to the physical (sobbing, inability to act). Again and again, I could explain why being let go is actually a really, really good thing for the company and me, but on the more primal side, it is a loss, plain and simple, like losing someone you love to a prolonged terminal illness, only many times less bad. Not a surprise and perhaps even a relief, but intensely painful nonetheless. Rather than fight the feeling, I went with the flow and kept myself out of public view until my body could catch up with the rational side of things.
That first week was about finding things to distract myself like talking to colleagues, doing small projects around the house, helping throw a birthday party, writing, and exercise so I could make it to bed each night and wake up the next day feeling like a different person.
Others I spoke to were submitting resumes almost immediately after the news. The kinds of sentiments I heard were fraught with anxiety. People had just moved jobs, relocated, needed the money, had much invested in finding jobs at the same level. There is a good deal of fear that comes out at these times and I can descend into worst case scenarios with the best. But for the most part, knowing we had a rainy day fund made things so much better and knowing that I had already been working on the the "next thing" helped too. My resume was pretty polished (could always use fine-tuning for specific jobs, but highlights were captured in the most flattering way I could manage), I had been working with a mentor at another division, and Fat Tony and I had been thinking about needing to get another income stream into the house. This turn of events was exactly what I needed to move on.
What surprised me was how methodical I got, not in a documenting and cataloging kind of way, but in a deliberate, "this is my goal this week, this is my goal next, and so on" way. First week was all about grieving. Second week was about reflection: who am I, what do I want? what do I need? Third week was about gathering information. Fourth week for applying for the first set. Then it will be about reiterating reflection, information gathering, and application.
The moment I started my job search was not when I started looking at ads, but when I started imagining myself doing a job, pretending I was in that role and imagining the kinds of customers or markets I would be working in. The jobs certainly weren't ones that cleanly fit my background and experience. They were simply jobs that just sound kind of interesting within sales and marketing. From there I started digging into the companies. I reached out to certain people in my network (LinkedIn is so great), telling them where things are and asking people with connections to those companies to talk to me about what they know. People can be incredibly helpful as most understand they might be in the same boat sooner or later. I made a list and starting keeping tabs on progress for each one.
I will take a moment to say that I can't stress how important it is to have informational interviewing skills here. Ideally, you should always be looking for the opportunity for informational interviews. It builds your network, builds your base of knowledge, builds your interviewing skills, makes you bolder. To prosper in the corporate world, I believe it is absolutely essential. But again and again, I get the sentiment that networking is difficult, not something people want to do, they find reasons not to send a simple email suggesting some sort of common activity like a call, a customer visit, an informational interview. This is a great shame because you are willingly keeping yourself in the dark. I can proselytize here because I avoided networking for most of my life too. I get why you might not want to reach out, but the way I've made it work for me has been to think that it is not about me being schmoozy and overly ambitious, but having honest desire to learn. And as far as fearing rejection, we should all learn to deal with rejection and failure as soon as possible. It wasn't until I was well into my thirties that I understood that rejection and failure are more informative than success in a lot of ways. I've made many attempts to reach out with a good number of failures, where people blow you off, make you feel small, or where nothing comes of your meeting. That's OK That's just life. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't.
All this said, I still have my hang-ups. I am certainly not comfortable with "networking events". The one time I attended one in the Bay Area, I came away thinking I was an utter moron and destined for failure. That was really not the right venue for me at the time and the excuse I like to use now for avoiding these events is that I live too far away from where they happen to attend and be a responsible family member. So my goal here is to find other ways to meet people. Perhaps in the blogosphere, perhaps at community events, as long as it doesn't feel like a corporate meat market, I'm good.
OK, so where was I? Oh yes, this week is about applying. Wish me luck.
That first week was about finding things to distract myself like talking to colleagues, doing small projects around the house, helping throw a birthday party, writing, and exercise so I could make it to bed each night and wake up the next day feeling like a different person.
Others I spoke to were submitting resumes almost immediately after the news. The kinds of sentiments I heard were fraught with anxiety. People had just moved jobs, relocated, needed the money, had much invested in finding jobs at the same level. There is a good deal of fear that comes out at these times and I can descend into worst case scenarios with the best. But for the most part, knowing we had a rainy day fund made things so much better and knowing that I had already been working on the the "next thing" helped too. My resume was pretty polished (could always use fine-tuning for specific jobs, but highlights were captured in the most flattering way I could manage), I had been working with a mentor at another division, and Fat Tony and I had been thinking about needing to get another income stream into the house. This turn of events was exactly what I needed to move on.
What surprised me was how methodical I got, not in a documenting and cataloging kind of way, but in a deliberate, "this is my goal this week, this is my goal next, and so on" way. First week was all about grieving. Second week was about reflection: who am I, what do I want? what do I need? Third week was about gathering information. Fourth week for applying for the first set. Then it will be about reiterating reflection, information gathering, and application.
The moment I started my job search was not when I started looking at ads, but when I started imagining myself doing a job, pretending I was in that role and imagining the kinds of customers or markets I would be working in. The jobs certainly weren't ones that cleanly fit my background and experience. They were simply jobs that just sound kind of interesting within sales and marketing. From there I started digging into the companies. I reached out to certain people in my network (LinkedIn is so great), telling them where things are and asking people with connections to those companies to talk to me about what they know. People can be incredibly helpful as most understand they might be in the same boat sooner or later. I made a list and starting keeping tabs on progress for each one.
I will take a moment to say that I can't stress how important it is to have informational interviewing skills here. Ideally, you should always be looking for the opportunity for informational interviews. It builds your network, builds your base of knowledge, builds your interviewing skills, makes you bolder. To prosper in the corporate world, I believe it is absolutely essential. But again and again, I get the sentiment that networking is difficult, not something people want to do, they find reasons not to send a simple email suggesting some sort of common activity like a call, a customer visit, an informational interview. This is a great shame because you are willingly keeping yourself in the dark. I can proselytize here because I avoided networking for most of my life too. I get why you might not want to reach out, but the way I've made it work for me has been to think that it is not about me being schmoozy and overly ambitious, but having honest desire to learn. And as far as fearing rejection, we should all learn to deal with rejection and failure as soon as possible. It wasn't until I was well into my thirties that I understood that rejection and failure are more informative than success in a lot of ways. I've made many attempts to reach out with a good number of failures, where people blow you off, make you feel small, or where nothing comes of your meeting. That's OK That's just life. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't.
All this said, I still have my hang-ups. I am certainly not comfortable with "networking events". The one time I attended one in the Bay Area, I came away thinking I was an utter moron and destined for failure. That was really not the right venue for me at the time and the excuse I like to use now for avoiding these events is that I live too far away from where they happen to attend and be a responsible family member. So my goal here is to find other ways to meet people. Perhaps in the blogosphere, perhaps at community events, as long as it doesn't feel like a corporate meat market, I'm good.
OK, so where was I? Oh yes, this week is about applying. Wish me luck.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Job search start
A job search is daunting stuff. On one hand, once I allow myself to consider anything that might capture my interest, the field of possible futures is really interesting, even exciting. On the other, because I don't precisely fit most descriptions, I feel like I am a hopeless incompetent.
So instead of getting on the emotional roller coaster right now, and while I have the luxury of time and resources, I am considering what I want and need.
First of all, some background: I am in what can be considered technical sales in an industry where there is general trend of different divisions consolidating. I am talking about very large multibillion dollar companies with several divisions. These companies have several divisions but there is no formal coordination across division. So multiple sales reps from the same company may be literally bumping into one another at sites. Clearly this looks very bad for a company. Consequently, these companies are sensibly realigning their respective sales forces to create more coordination. (By the way, this is not what happened with me; my business unit decided to shut down commercial operations for a while for other reasons.) My scan of jobs in my industry on a site like Careerbuilder.com shows a great deal of openings for director-level positions, which makes me think these companies are still in the process of realigning at the top and will be working their way down, so I might not expect to see many postings from these places until next year.
To have a long, successful career in sales or marketing, I will need to be highly networked with the customer base as well as understand the subtleties of the field being sold into. This is what garners the value in pay and status. Someone who can say he or she has worked with an influential decision maker (at the C-level) and can use those connections for the company is immediately more valuable than a run-of-the-mill hard worker. Also valuable are those who understand strategy and have proven themselves capable of creating and successfully executing a plan.
With these concerns in mind, here is my list of qualities my next job:
1. Reasonable expectations. I have a tendency to become consumed by the job I do. Unlike sane people, I have a great deal of difficulty differentiating myself from what I do. Separation was more difficult when I was in academia, but industry is more accommodating of work-life boundaries. For the next position, I like to think that I can be happy at a position where reliability and diligence are most prized. I like to think I'll be able to help homeschool our kids or make some progress on my dream business.
Basically, I think I will be happy if I can achieve my goals and am not micromanaged.
2. A "nice" culture. To me, "nice" is actually a composite of other qualities like compassion, honesty, and morality, certainly not the practice of observing everybody's birthday. It's debatable whether this is a necessity for "success" as we all have heard stories of those who can conveniently overlook the truth but still be extremely successful at their jobs. Competence and niceness certainly aren't the same. I might value this because I am a terrible liar, but maybe I do because being nice amounts to doing the right thing and being kind and fair. It is the foundation on which to build lasting, productive relationships. Think Stephen Covey's tenet, Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Civility and open-mindedness are aspects of a workplace that are worth a lot and I would take a pay cut to be part of such a culture.
Of course, this should translate to good management. I have a track record of leaving bad managers.
3. Access to knowledge and expertise. One of the highlights of my last year was the opportunity to attend conferences as a means to network and to become current with a field. When I listen to talks and see who asks questions, I put together a picture of who's who and who's doing what. It is a tremendous disappointment to me that I might need to start over building my knowledge base as this is something I had to rebuild after leaving academia, so I am doing a lot of thinking about how I might avoid such a possibility. I will think very carefully about the relationships I will foster and how they will play out over the long-term.
I want to be really good at what I do and build relationships with a lot of very smart people, so much so that one day I want to be in the position where I will be able to predict what will happen next in a field.
4. Solid product, solid company. You would think this would be a no-brainer, but I think people put on the rose-colored glasses for an interview and hear what they want to hear. I will be spending a great deal of time investigating what I'd be selling and to whom. When I've talked to people who were applying for a job as part of their interview schedule, I've always let them know that they can contact me with any questions. I can't say anyone as ever taken me up on the offer, and it's still surprising to me.
5. Compensation. I saw an article that said beyond $75K, money does not improve happiness. I don't believe it, plus I am the sole bread winner for a family of four, so that number should probably be more. Still, having health insurance and the benefits with having a retirement program does mean a lot. At some point, the search will be about what we absolutely need.
My older colleagues have talked about ageism in the workplace. After many years with a company, their base salary becomes too high and when cost-cutting happens, it is the more experienced who are the first to go. Companies don't seem to value experience, so it's difficult to find work at the same pay scale. I have some difficulty sympathizing here as I know they make quite a bit more than most of the world and are sounding a bit too entitled for my taste. I truly believe that we will all be hitting income ceilings working for a company and don't believe I will be at a company for more than four years. It's the move up or out model. Sounds heartless, but makes sense. My strategy for increasing net pay is to create multiple income streams.
6. Opportunity for growth. This one is tricky to define as one can take growth to mean many things. In my case, I want to have evidence of success in moving a project forward or in exceeding sales and I want to know it is recognized in a way that will get me more responsibility.
At the same time, I don't want to get too far ahead of things when I am interviewing. It's probably better to ask about other people's career trajectories at the company.
So there. Not an outrageous list at all. I'll be using it as a way to critically evaluate possibilities before getting carried away. I am telling myself that I don't have to take the first thing that comes along as there will be reorganizations coming.
I've sent my resume to some of my connections, but I have yet to actually apply to a job online. I have a pretty solid generic resume, but my next challenge is writing a killer cover letter and creating customized resumes.
So instead of getting on the emotional roller coaster right now, and while I have the luxury of time and resources, I am considering what I want and need.
First of all, some background: I am in what can be considered technical sales in an industry where there is general trend of different divisions consolidating. I am talking about very large multibillion dollar companies with several divisions. These companies have several divisions but there is no formal coordination across division. So multiple sales reps from the same company may be literally bumping into one another at sites. Clearly this looks very bad for a company. Consequently, these companies are sensibly realigning their respective sales forces to create more coordination. (By the way, this is not what happened with me; my business unit decided to shut down commercial operations for a while for other reasons.) My scan of jobs in my industry on a site like Careerbuilder.com shows a great deal of openings for director-level positions, which makes me think these companies are still in the process of realigning at the top and will be working their way down, so I might not expect to see many postings from these places until next year.
To have a long, successful career in sales or marketing, I will need to be highly networked with the customer base as well as understand the subtleties of the field being sold into. This is what garners the value in pay and status. Someone who can say he or she has worked with an influential decision maker (at the C-level) and can use those connections for the company is immediately more valuable than a run-of-the-mill hard worker. Also valuable are those who understand strategy and have proven themselves capable of creating and successfully executing a plan.
With these concerns in mind, here is my list of qualities my next job:
1. Reasonable expectations. I have a tendency to become consumed by the job I do. Unlike sane people, I have a great deal of difficulty differentiating myself from what I do. Separation was more difficult when I was in academia, but industry is more accommodating of work-life boundaries. For the next position, I like to think that I can be happy at a position where reliability and diligence are most prized. I like to think I'll be able to help homeschool our kids or make some progress on my dream business.
Basically, I think I will be happy if I can achieve my goals and am not micromanaged.
2. A "nice" culture. To me, "nice" is actually a composite of other qualities like compassion, honesty, and morality, certainly not the practice of observing everybody's birthday. It's debatable whether this is a necessity for "success" as we all have heard stories of those who can conveniently overlook the truth but still be extremely successful at their jobs. Competence and niceness certainly aren't the same. I might value this because I am a terrible liar, but maybe I do because being nice amounts to doing the right thing and being kind and fair. It is the foundation on which to build lasting, productive relationships. Think Stephen Covey's tenet, Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Civility and open-mindedness are aspects of a workplace that are worth a lot and I would take a pay cut to be part of such a culture.
Of course, this should translate to good management. I have a track record of leaving bad managers.
3. Access to knowledge and expertise. One of the highlights of my last year was the opportunity to attend conferences as a means to network and to become current with a field. When I listen to talks and see who asks questions, I put together a picture of who's who and who's doing what. It is a tremendous disappointment to me that I might need to start over building my knowledge base as this is something I had to rebuild after leaving academia, so I am doing a lot of thinking about how I might avoid such a possibility. I will think very carefully about the relationships I will foster and how they will play out over the long-term.
I want to be really good at what I do and build relationships with a lot of very smart people, so much so that one day I want to be in the position where I will be able to predict what will happen next in a field.
4. Solid product, solid company. You would think this would be a no-brainer, but I think people put on the rose-colored glasses for an interview and hear what they want to hear. I will be spending a great deal of time investigating what I'd be selling and to whom. When I've talked to people who were applying for a job as part of their interview schedule, I've always let them know that they can contact me with any questions. I can't say anyone as ever taken me up on the offer, and it's still surprising to me.
5. Compensation. I saw an article that said beyond $75K, money does not improve happiness. I don't believe it, plus I am the sole bread winner for a family of four, so that number should probably be more. Still, having health insurance and the benefits with having a retirement program does mean a lot. At some point, the search will be about what we absolutely need.
My older colleagues have talked about ageism in the workplace. After many years with a company, their base salary becomes too high and when cost-cutting happens, it is the more experienced who are the first to go. Companies don't seem to value experience, so it's difficult to find work at the same pay scale. I have some difficulty sympathizing here as I know they make quite a bit more than most of the world and are sounding a bit too entitled for my taste. I truly believe that we will all be hitting income ceilings working for a company and don't believe I will be at a company for more than four years. It's the move up or out model. Sounds heartless, but makes sense. My strategy for increasing net pay is to create multiple income streams.
6. Opportunity for growth. This one is tricky to define as one can take growth to mean many things. In my case, I want to have evidence of success in moving a project forward or in exceeding sales and I want to know it is recognized in a way that will get me more responsibility.
At the same time, I don't want to get too far ahead of things when I am interviewing. It's probably better to ask about other people's career trajectories at the company.
So there. Not an outrageous list at all. I'll be using it as a way to critically evaluate possibilities before getting carried away. I am telling myself that I don't have to take the first thing that comes along as there will be reorganizations coming.
I've sent my resume to some of my connections, but I have yet to actually apply to a job online. I have a pretty solid generic resume, but my next challenge is writing a killer cover letter and creating customized resumes.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The true cost of birthday parties
I have several reasons why I am not actively job hunting. One of the more immediate has been my older son's seventh birthday party.
Parties in general cause me a great deal of consternation. Who to invite, how to invite, where to have it, how to do it. I am not a natural at entertaining and whatever social hang-ups I have become amplified at the prospect of putting myself out there for rejection and criticism.Throughout my childhood my parents never entertained and I have internalized the reasons why.
Thankfully I have Fat Tony to drag me into reality (kicking and screaming). He did most of the planning, leaving me to obsess about the house and details like napkins and plates. He came up with some fun games and I came up with cookie and cake decorating activities. We both baked and shopped at different times. On party day Fat Tony led the way and a fun time was had by all. Yay, teamwork.
In terms of money spent, my estimates on food and drink are ~$100 (we bought pizza for 15 kids and some parents). We easily spent $50 on baking goods and decorating accessories that can be used another time. Party treats amounted around $110. So, $260 out of pocket.
Now what if I were working and took time away from work for shopping, baking, cleaning, rearranging furniture, doing more shopping? Since Fat Tony stays at home, we don't really have a number to attach to his time. Let's say my hourly rate falls around $50 an hour. Let's say I spent 4 work hours during the week on this, so another $200. (I'm not counting the time I spent outside of work hours.) That brings us to $460.
Here's a link on birthday party costs. If we had gone to Chuck E. Cheese's, for example, we would have easily spent $325 in addition and we'd still have to get party treats and a cake. So, around $475 altogether.
Hmm. It really all comes down to how we value our time. If we don't think our time is worth much, then at home parties are the way to go. However, if I had put any sort of number on Fat Tony's time (and the stress involved with preparing), then going out is a no-brainer.
However, I am going to say that I am happy we did the at-home party. Opening our home is a good thing for me psychologically. The personal growth from confronting my entertaining fears is worth at least one therapy session. (~$200/hr).
By the way, our theme was Godzilla, so a few links here on the amazing things I found on that theme:
Here's one from one amazing mom
Here's one from a very cool bakery I don't live near
This is one Godzilla and I might try
Parties in general cause me a great deal of consternation. Who to invite, how to invite, where to have it, how to do it. I am not a natural at entertaining and whatever social hang-ups I have become amplified at the prospect of putting myself out there for rejection and criticism.Throughout my childhood my parents never entertained and I have internalized the reasons why.
Thankfully I have Fat Tony to drag me into reality (kicking and screaming). He did most of the planning, leaving me to obsess about the house and details like napkins and plates. He came up with some fun games and I came up with cookie and cake decorating activities. We both baked and shopped at different times. On party day Fat Tony led the way and a fun time was had by all. Yay, teamwork.
In terms of money spent, my estimates on food and drink are ~$100 (we bought pizza for 15 kids and some parents). We easily spent $50 on baking goods and decorating accessories that can be used another time. Party treats amounted around $110. So, $260 out of pocket.
Now what if I were working and took time away from work for shopping, baking, cleaning, rearranging furniture, doing more shopping? Since Fat Tony stays at home, we don't really have a number to attach to his time. Let's say my hourly rate falls around $50 an hour. Let's say I spent 4 work hours during the week on this, so another $200. (I'm not counting the time I spent outside of work hours.) That brings us to $460.
Here's a link on birthday party costs. If we had gone to Chuck E. Cheese's, for example, we would have easily spent $325 in addition and we'd still have to get party treats and a cake. So, around $475 altogether.
Hmm. It really all comes down to how we value our time. If we don't think our time is worth much, then at home parties are the way to go. However, if I had put any sort of number on Fat Tony's time (and the stress involved with preparing), then going out is a no-brainer.
However, I am going to say that I am happy we did the at-home party. Opening our home is a good thing for me psychologically. The personal growth from confronting my entertaining fears is worth at least one therapy session. (~$200/hr).
By the way, our theme was Godzilla, so a few links here on the amazing things I found on that theme:
Here's one from one amazing mom
Here's one from a very cool bakery I don't live near
This is one Godzilla and I might try
Monday, September 17, 2012
Walk the walk
The other day we were late to the Cub Scouts mixer because my older son couldn't stop crying.
He was playing with a friend of his and this friend's friend, a boy a couple years older than mine. The two other boys started whispering and wouldn't tell my son what they were saying. Feeling excluded made my son crazy and he launched into a crying fit. He couldn't understand why they wouldn't tell him what they were whispering about.
The next day the same two boys were playing soccer at the older boy's house. Our two boys were there too. Our sons just wanted to play with the toys there and not soccer. Eventually A came home by himself and our younger son, T, was extracted by Fat Tony kicking and screaming.
I understand too well what it feels like to be excluded. I don't think Fat Tony nor I had much proclivity for team sports (though in my case, I was never given the opportunity). We don't play or watch team sports on TV. So the kids don't have a good template for being a sports enthusiast.
It's painful to see because I remember not fitting in. I remember girls blatantly whispering about me and many playground hours spent alone. Recess was torture. I doubt my parents had any clue about the situation. I thought why I was ostracized were for reasons I could not change about myself so I felt helpless. My resolution was to wait for my time at school and at the neighborhood to elapse and I would be free, which is pretty much what I did. When my days in solitary were done, I left for college and return home very, very rarely.
Now I see there were things that could have been done. First is to have someone to talk to.
A is still young enough that he trusts us and he hasn't learned to be a tough boy yet. It's a bittersweet task for FT and me to help him put that tool in his toolbox. We have to help him find ways to protect what is sweet and vulnerable and help him build some psychic armor. To that end, we have to be conscious that we are role models.
In some senses we have to be our children's harshest critics and tell them what no one else will tell them. People don't like cry babies and you were acting like a cry baby. We aren't saying that it was wrong to cry, but when you cry, this is what happens. I am sorry it doesn't feel fair.
What I have forgotten until now is that lately they've seen me cry more than a few times this past week because of past events and when I do, I get love from my family. I suppose I need to let them know it's a different circumstance.
My son and I had a talk about how crying doesn't make people want to like and include you. It's hard to accept as a kid that the world won't give you a hug when you are down. But that is the world we live in. He has to understand the rules.
We talked about how it's important to observe and respond to the world around you. If other kids are playing soccer, you should be playing soccer to be with them. But if you don't like soccer, don't waste your time and come home. We will help you find things you like to do and you will find friends through the things you enjoy doing.
Through my children I see truths about myself. I don't put much effort in activities outside of work, but at work, I am a social butterfly. It's taken me a lifetime to develop a strategy with dealing with the outside world and most of my progress came from realizing it's not about me, but how people perceive me. Much of that work done by my own reflection and experimentation late in life. What I can do now for my kids is to be a guide and tell them what the rules are, to help them find activities they love to do, and most of all, to be a good example at home. It is time to walk the walk.
He was playing with a friend of his and this friend's friend, a boy a couple years older than mine. The two other boys started whispering and wouldn't tell my son what they were saying. Feeling excluded made my son crazy and he launched into a crying fit. He couldn't understand why they wouldn't tell him what they were whispering about.
The next day the same two boys were playing soccer at the older boy's house. Our two boys were there too. Our sons just wanted to play with the toys there and not soccer. Eventually A came home by himself and our younger son, T, was extracted by Fat Tony kicking and screaming.
I understand too well what it feels like to be excluded. I don't think Fat Tony nor I had much proclivity for team sports (though in my case, I was never given the opportunity). We don't play or watch team sports on TV. So the kids don't have a good template for being a sports enthusiast.
It's painful to see because I remember not fitting in. I remember girls blatantly whispering about me and many playground hours spent alone. Recess was torture. I doubt my parents had any clue about the situation. I thought why I was ostracized were for reasons I could not change about myself so I felt helpless. My resolution was to wait for my time at school and at the neighborhood to elapse and I would be free, which is pretty much what I did. When my days in solitary were done, I left for college and return home very, very rarely.
Now I see there were things that could have been done. First is to have someone to talk to.
A is still young enough that he trusts us and he hasn't learned to be a tough boy yet. It's a bittersweet task for FT and me to help him put that tool in his toolbox. We have to help him find ways to protect what is sweet and vulnerable and help him build some psychic armor. To that end, we have to be conscious that we are role models.
In some senses we have to be our children's harshest critics and tell them what no one else will tell them. People don't like cry babies and you were acting like a cry baby. We aren't saying that it was wrong to cry, but when you cry, this is what happens. I am sorry it doesn't feel fair.
What I have forgotten until now is that lately they've seen me cry more than a few times this past week because of past events and when I do, I get love from my family. I suppose I need to let them know it's a different circumstance.
My son and I had a talk about how crying doesn't make people want to like and include you. It's hard to accept as a kid that the world won't give you a hug when you are down. But that is the world we live in. He has to understand the rules.
We talked about how it's important to observe and respond to the world around you. If other kids are playing soccer, you should be playing soccer to be with them. But if you don't like soccer, don't waste your time and come home. We will help you find things you like to do and you will find friends through the things you enjoy doing.
Through my children I see truths about myself. I don't put much effort in activities outside of work, but at work, I am a social butterfly. It's taken me a lifetime to develop a strategy with dealing with the outside world and most of my progress came from realizing it's not about me, but how people perceive me. Much of that work done by my own reflection and experimentation late in life. What I can do now for my kids is to be a guide and tell them what the rules are, to help them find activities they love to do, and most of all, to be a good example at home. It is time to walk the walk.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
California to Chicagoland
Here's something I wrote on why we moved from California to the Chicagoland circa Jan 2011:
Growing up in the Northeast, I never imagined myself moving the the Midwest. My dream was to go to fabled California. There was so much there: San Francisco, the Pacific, the Redwood Forest, Tahoe, Yosemite. Brilliant people, deliciously diverse food, orange and lemon trees, endless avocados, mountains, beaches, forests, deserts... So much of the world right there outside your door. After graduate school in the Northeast, I made it my goal to do a post-doc out there. I found an advisor, applied for my own grant, and did it. Fat Tony put all our possessions in his Ford Ranger and out we went in the winter of 2002. We lived in various parts of the Bay Area and in Southern California for 8 years.
With so much available to us, why in the world would we move to the Midwest? I was living my dream, so it seemed.
As cliche as this sounds, we missed the seasons, especially winter. Some people who grow up with winters hate it. Maybe it's just in their natures. I never minded. When I left the East Coast, I wasn't fleeing winter, I was seeking a new world. Then we had kids and we needed to get back to snow. The idea of our sons growing up without the experience of playing in the snow, making snow angels and snow forts, going sledding, and feeling the quiet of snow falling around you made us feel like negligent parents. We want them to know that rain, snow, ice, and overcast days are not to be feared and grumbled about, but to be embraced as another beautiful part of the world. You will never watch ice crystallize around the edges of a pond without being a little cold.
Try as we might, we never really felt at home in California either. That might have had to do with the fact that we never had a home there. No very close family, no house. We rented the whole time. The cost of buying a home was just to much for a place where we felt like outsiders. There was the financial cost. An ok 2 bedroom would easily be in the $350k's. Then there is cost in time. To get more for your money, you increase your commute to an hour or more of freeway driving. For people who grew up in California, that is just the way it is, kind of like how I regard the weather. Different tolerances.
There were some inconveniences of being a renter. In one place, there was a guy who never took out the shared garbage. We always did it. Another place had an ant infestation and loud neighbors to the back. Typical stuff. No big deal.
The more troubling circumstances happened after we had our children. When we needed to move closer to the place of my first industry job in the Bay Area, we found a beautiful duplex with a gorgeous backyard. It was in a residential neighborhood and we hoped we would find children for our one son at the time to play with. In fact, there was a family next door with 3 young children. We had hopeful thoughts, especially when the owners told us they were good friends with the family next door. But we never saw that side of those neighbors. They never made eye contact, never spoke to us and not-so-subtly discouraged their kids from playing with our son. Watching that mom shoo her kids away from my two-year old just broke my heart. I don't know why they were they way they were. I learned they were from the Midwest or East Coast, so this is no comment on the nature of Californians, just on our experience living there.
The last place we lived in was condo. We moved down to coastal Southern California when I got my second job in industry. I was relocated, so we didn't take the cost on ourselves, thankfully. We found a place about a mile from the beach. I envisioned us strolling there on a regular basis. Unfortunately, "strolling" with beach stuff along a busy road with a 3- and a 1- year old is no small task. Condos are also unwelcoming places for young families. They are eerily quiet--full of retirees and singletons, home-owners association patrols to make sure things are just-so. Not the best choice for us. Proximity to the beach was overwhelmed by the need for space. Disorganized by nature and confined to our condo, we were surrounded by stuff. Without space, we found no peace at home; life was an endless series of plans to get out of the house and find something to do. Spending the day at home on a weekend was the unattainable dream.
A word about the quality of the homes: All of the places were terribly drafty come winter, which annoyed me to no end.
When the start-up I was at got swallowed up by The Family, I got the opportunity to move the Midwest. Career-wise, it was a lateral move, but personally, it worked. We didn't get a place close to Chicago. That's nearly as expensive as living in coastal California, with commuting. We live in the far-away suburbs, a place so far, Chicago natives have no idea where it is. We put 20% down and got a 4 bedroom house with yard: our little piece of paradise. Including mortgage, insurance, and taxes, we still pay less than rent for our 2 bedroom condo.
Aside from the cost of buying a house, I don't see any other financial argument for moving to the Midwest. Food is about the same, gas might be a bit less. Distractions cost no matter where you live. Distractions in Cali are better, but with two small kids, who has time for distractions? In Cali, we were part of local CSAs that delivered incredible amounts of fresh vegetables. I do miss that.
What's been most precious to us is having kids on the same street that come over. Soon after we moved in, our older son met two girls up the street, his first new friends. The next day he was dressed and ready to go at 7 to play with his new friends. He was only four and probably the first time he ever willingly dressed himself. We don't arrange playdates. Kids come over and our kids go over. Parents watch out for the kids and try to make sure they mind their manners, but don't interfere with being a kid. I like that.
I feel less self-conscious here in the Midwest, less prone to feeling like my car or clothes aren't nice enough. I haven't seen a trendy gift store since I've moved and my bank account and I are happier for it.
When I told people in California I was moving, I would often get this, Does Not Compute look. Usually I could get them to understand by saying that family is closer, which is true and translates to less distance covered for holiday visits, not childcare help. More often than not, there was the smug suggestion that I would be miserable, off to a life sentence, wishing to come back to sunny California. Why would you want to live anywhere else? Indeed.
I like to think that one day, I will go back to the West with the kids for vacations when we can afford them. There is a diversity and freedom of thought that is less prevalent here. I like the wacky liberals of the NoCal and the happy-go-lucky beach goers of the SoCal. I want our boys to understand those walks of life too. But right now, we belong here, in the cold, where life is less about what is on the outside, and more about what is on the inside.
Growing up in the Northeast, I never imagined myself moving the the Midwest. My dream was to go to fabled California. There was so much there: San Francisco, the Pacific, the Redwood Forest, Tahoe, Yosemite. Brilliant people, deliciously diverse food, orange and lemon trees, endless avocados, mountains, beaches, forests, deserts... So much of the world right there outside your door. After graduate school in the Northeast, I made it my goal to do a post-doc out there. I found an advisor, applied for my own grant, and did it. Fat Tony put all our possessions in his Ford Ranger and out we went in the winter of 2002. We lived in various parts of the Bay Area and in Southern California for 8 years.
With so much available to us, why in the world would we move to the Midwest? I was living my dream, so it seemed.
As cliche as this sounds, we missed the seasons, especially winter. Some people who grow up with winters hate it. Maybe it's just in their natures. I never minded. When I left the East Coast, I wasn't fleeing winter, I was seeking a new world. Then we had kids and we needed to get back to snow. The idea of our sons growing up without the experience of playing in the snow, making snow angels and snow forts, going sledding, and feeling the quiet of snow falling around you made us feel like negligent parents. We want them to know that rain, snow, ice, and overcast days are not to be feared and grumbled about, but to be embraced as another beautiful part of the world. You will never watch ice crystallize around the edges of a pond without being a little cold.
Try as we might, we never really felt at home in California either. That might have had to do with the fact that we never had a home there. No very close family, no house. We rented the whole time. The cost of buying a home was just to much for a place where we felt like outsiders. There was the financial cost. An ok 2 bedroom would easily be in the $350k's. Then there is cost in time. To get more for your money, you increase your commute to an hour or more of freeway driving. For people who grew up in California, that is just the way it is, kind of like how I regard the weather. Different tolerances.
There were some inconveniences of being a renter. In one place, there was a guy who never took out the shared garbage. We always did it. Another place had an ant infestation and loud neighbors to the back. Typical stuff. No big deal.
The more troubling circumstances happened after we had our children. When we needed to move closer to the place of my first industry job in the Bay Area, we found a beautiful duplex with a gorgeous backyard. It was in a residential neighborhood and we hoped we would find children for our one son at the time to play with. In fact, there was a family next door with 3 young children. We had hopeful thoughts, especially when the owners told us they were good friends with the family next door. But we never saw that side of those neighbors. They never made eye contact, never spoke to us and not-so-subtly discouraged their kids from playing with our son. Watching that mom shoo her kids away from my two-year old just broke my heart. I don't know why they were they way they were. I learned they were from the Midwest or East Coast, so this is no comment on the nature of Californians, just on our experience living there.
The last place we lived in was condo. We moved down to coastal Southern California when I got my second job in industry. I was relocated, so we didn't take the cost on ourselves, thankfully. We found a place about a mile from the beach. I envisioned us strolling there on a regular basis. Unfortunately, "strolling" with beach stuff along a busy road with a 3- and a 1- year old is no small task. Condos are also unwelcoming places for young families. They are eerily quiet--full of retirees and singletons, home-owners association patrols to make sure things are just-so. Not the best choice for us. Proximity to the beach was overwhelmed by the need for space. Disorganized by nature and confined to our condo, we were surrounded by stuff. Without space, we found no peace at home; life was an endless series of plans to get out of the house and find something to do. Spending the day at home on a weekend was the unattainable dream.
A word about the quality of the homes: All of the places were terribly drafty come winter, which annoyed me to no end.
When the start-up I was at got swallowed up by The Family, I got the opportunity to move the Midwest. Career-wise, it was a lateral move, but personally, it worked. We didn't get a place close to Chicago. That's nearly as expensive as living in coastal California, with commuting. We live in the far-away suburbs, a place so far, Chicago natives have no idea where it is. We put 20% down and got a 4 bedroom house with yard: our little piece of paradise. Including mortgage, insurance, and taxes, we still pay less than rent for our 2 bedroom condo.
Aside from the cost of buying a house, I don't see any other financial argument for moving to the Midwest. Food is about the same, gas might be a bit less. Distractions cost no matter where you live. Distractions in Cali are better, but with two small kids, who has time for distractions? In Cali, we were part of local CSAs that delivered incredible amounts of fresh vegetables. I do miss that.
What's been most precious to us is having kids on the same street that come over. Soon after we moved in, our older son met two girls up the street, his first new friends. The next day he was dressed and ready to go at 7 to play with his new friends. He was only four and probably the first time he ever willingly dressed himself. We don't arrange playdates. Kids come over and our kids go over. Parents watch out for the kids and try to make sure they mind their manners, but don't interfere with being a kid. I like that.
I feel less self-conscious here in the Midwest, less prone to feeling like my car or clothes aren't nice enough. I haven't seen a trendy gift store since I've moved and my bank account and I are happier for it.
When I told people in California I was moving, I would often get this, Does Not Compute look. Usually I could get them to understand by saying that family is closer, which is true and translates to less distance covered for holiday visits, not childcare help. More often than not, there was the smug suggestion that I would be miserable, off to a life sentence, wishing to come back to sunny California. Why would you want to live anywhere else? Indeed.
I like to think that one day, I will go back to the West with the kids for vacations when we can afford them. There is a diversity and freedom of thought that is less prevalent here. I like the wacky liberals of the NoCal and the happy-go-lucky beach goers of the SoCal. I want our boys to understand those walks of life too. But right now, we belong here, in the cold, where life is less about what is on the outside, and more about what is on the inside.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Day 3, continued
This morning I fired off some emails to colleagues I'm working with on current accounts. Then I went off to my meetings, which I counted as "successful" because I did not cry once.
My mentor and I had an abbreviated meeting and I couldn't help but notice the look of pity in his eyes. I think he's been where I am now, so I like to believe it is empathy I am seeing rather than a reflection of the hopelessness of the situation. I am doing my best to keep a brave front and trying to stay true my vision for whatever is next. However, I am sure my mentor knows there is compromise on the horizon for me.
In addition to seeing an old friend, I also arranged to see a colleague and friend. It's good to connect. It feels less scary when you are with a friend.
Distractions help. Small goals and interactions that force me to be the person I want to be. It is when I am alone with my thoughts--when I am driving, in my bed in the middle of the night--that the feelings bubble up and overcome me. I try and go with it and let the feelings pass, something I learned from childbirth. Resistance is futile. The best way to handle pain is to open yourself to it and let it move through you.
While I started out sad this morning, I became very angry when speaking to another colleague worried because she and her husband are both out of work. This company should have thought twice about bringing people on when evidence was pointing otherwise. She was a new hire. My friend and her family moved thinking there would be some stability in her situation. Her husband is still looking for work and their son just started kindergarten.
Our company should have been able to plan better or position the job more accurately because the proof has always been right in front of their eyes, but they did not want to see or were incapable of making such a critical evaluation. (I wonder...can former employees sue companies for misrepresenting the status of the business like stockholders can?) So I am pissed. Pissed that my friends and I don't have jobs, but have kids and mortgages to take care of. Pissed that those at the top who made these "informed" decisions are still sitting pretty with sickening compensation packages. They are and will be fine.
Anger doesn't solve anything, but it does help me to say "Fuck it."
My mentor and I had an abbreviated meeting and I couldn't help but notice the look of pity in his eyes. I think he's been where I am now, so I like to believe it is empathy I am seeing rather than a reflection of the hopelessness of the situation. I am doing my best to keep a brave front and trying to stay true my vision for whatever is next. However, I am sure my mentor knows there is compromise on the horizon for me.
In addition to seeing an old friend, I also arranged to see a colleague and friend. It's good to connect. It feels less scary when you are with a friend.
Distractions help. Small goals and interactions that force me to be the person I want to be. It is when I am alone with my thoughts--when I am driving, in my bed in the middle of the night--that the feelings bubble up and overcome me. I try and go with it and let the feelings pass, something I learned from childbirth. Resistance is futile. The best way to handle pain is to open yourself to it and let it move through you.
While I started out sad this morning, I became very angry when speaking to another colleague worried because she and her husband are both out of work. This company should have thought twice about bringing people on when evidence was pointing otherwise. She was a new hire. My friend and her family moved thinking there would be some stability in her situation. Her husband is still looking for work and their son just started kindergarten.
Our company should have been able to plan better or position the job more accurately because the proof has always been right in front of their eyes, but they did not want to see or were incapable of making such a critical evaluation. (I wonder...can former employees sue companies for misrepresenting the status of the business like stockholders can?) So I am pissed. Pissed that my friends and I don't have jobs, but have kids and mortgages to take care of. Pissed that those at the top who made these "informed" decisions are still sitting pretty with sickening compensation packages. They are and will be fine.
Anger doesn't solve anything, but it does help me to say "Fuck it."
Losing my job
Day 1:
The day of reckoning has come. We gathered in a room after being summoned to a MANDATORY town hall meeting late the day before. Because of road repair it took me almost 2 hours to get to the office. My route is always very predictable so this delay must be some sort of sign.
The presentation of the new business strategy took ten minutes with another 40 minutes of questions and answers. Management does not have a complete plan, but they wanted to notify us of the Decision, which for those of us who have been with the company since the acquisition, was not entirely surprising. But I wish they had come to their conclusions much, much earlier, before people left other jobs and relocated. Though not explicit, for some individuals like me, it was obvious that our services would no longer be needed. For others, it is unclear.
An hour later, at a meeting with my immediate management, the elephant in the room was finally named and we were given the blessing to look for other opportunities. We will look forward to a more definite communication later. Until then, the next several weeks are "a gift".
I've been saving and hoping this day would be at the end of the year. I've been keeping my ear low to the ground and I have been working on developing relationships in other parts of the organization. Fact of the matter is, I don't want to go elsewhere. I will need to examine my reasons why though as I think they center on inertia.
That day, I was energized by the free pass and think of how I have the time to explore ideas I have.
My afternoon was spent talking to colleagues who did not see this coming at all. I am trying to encourage them to pursue their passions, but these are old salts and are familiar with a harsher world. I know I sound naive.
I am strangely calm and even energized. I will see what is out there and enlist as much help as I can. This is the push I need to spread my wings.
Day 2:
I had arranged a meeting on Day 1 with one of our senior managers after the news. Now I sit in his office and he asks how I am doing. I quip that I was wanting more time to spend at home. He asks how old my children are and out of nowhere I begin to cry. It takes me an eternity to give him their ages. I can't bring myself to say that one's birthday is next week so I give him the older age out of expediency. I repeatedly apologize and say I don't know where this is coming from. He gets a box of tissues and says it's because I care. I realize that I am grieving and am surprised at myself.
We spend the rest of the hour trying to speak constructively about my next steps while I focus on not bawling as the raw emotional nerve is occasionally touched. I look down at my pad of paper and do my best to avoid thinking about myself and my family.
My intent for the day was to move forward with what I needed to do to close up and to find something new, which meant time at the computer and facetime with colleagues. After my meeting, computer time was out of the question and I started driving back home. Then I put some angry music on and eventually found my way to a Japanese restaurant where I had my comfort food--noodle soup.
Fortified, I make my rounds with colleagues. I feel so much better to be speaking with people but am sometimes sent reeling when someone touches me in sympathy. As I speak throughout the day, I distance myself more from my soon-to-be former employer. While the system's problems were always fodder for discussion, I find myself concluding that it's not my problem any more.
I come home and cry some more. Fat Tony and the kids come home and give me hugs and FT agrees to get me pepperoni and sausage pizza with beer for dinner. I will let myself go for another day or so--until the need to cry goes away. I go to sleep hoping I will be reset. Then wake up a little later and cry some more.
Day 3.
I am not fully reset. Still feeling raw. I got up and am writing. Today I will go to another division, where I have a mentor. (I joined this program earlier, realizing I needed to make a change.) I will also see a friend there.
The day of reckoning has come. We gathered in a room after being summoned to a MANDATORY town hall meeting late the day before. Because of road repair it took me almost 2 hours to get to the office. My route is always very predictable so this delay must be some sort of sign.
The presentation of the new business strategy took ten minutes with another 40 minutes of questions and answers. Management does not have a complete plan, but they wanted to notify us of the Decision, which for those of us who have been with the company since the acquisition, was not entirely surprising. But I wish they had come to their conclusions much, much earlier, before people left other jobs and relocated. Though not explicit, for some individuals like me, it was obvious that our services would no longer be needed. For others, it is unclear.
An hour later, at a meeting with my immediate management, the elephant in the room was finally named and we were given the blessing to look for other opportunities. We will look forward to a more definite communication later. Until then, the next several weeks are "a gift".
I've been saving and hoping this day would be at the end of the year. I've been keeping my ear low to the ground and I have been working on developing relationships in other parts of the organization. Fact of the matter is, I don't want to go elsewhere. I will need to examine my reasons why though as I think they center on inertia.
That day, I was energized by the free pass and think of how I have the time to explore ideas I have.
My afternoon was spent talking to colleagues who did not see this coming at all. I am trying to encourage them to pursue their passions, but these are old salts and are familiar with a harsher world. I know I sound naive.
I am strangely calm and even energized. I will see what is out there and enlist as much help as I can. This is the push I need to spread my wings.
Day 2:
I had arranged a meeting on Day 1 with one of our senior managers after the news. Now I sit in his office and he asks how I am doing. I quip that I was wanting more time to spend at home. He asks how old my children are and out of nowhere I begin to cry. It takes me an eternity to give him their ages. I can't bring myself to say that one's birthday is next week so I give him the older age out of expediency. I repeatedly apologize and say I don't know where this is coming from. He gets a box of tissues and says it's because I care. I realize that I am grieving and am surprised at myself.
We spend the rest of the hour trying to speak constructively about my next steps while I focus on not bawling as the raw emotional nerve is occasionally touched. I look down at my pad of paper and do my best to avoid thinking about myself and my family.
My intent for the day was to move forward with what I needed to do to close up and to find something new, which meant time at the computer and facetime with colleagues. After my meeting, computer time was out of the question and I started driving back home. Then I put some angry music on and eventually found my way to a Japanese restaurant where I had my comfort food--noodle soup.
Fortified, I make my rounds with colleagues. I feel so much better to be speaking with people but am sometimes sent reeling when someone touches me in sympathy. As I speak throughout the day, I distance myself more from my soon-to-be former employer. While the system's problems were always fodder for discussion, I find myself concluding that it's not my problem any more.
I come home and cry some more. Fat Tony and the kids come home and give me hugs and FT agrees to get me pepperoni and sausage pizza with beer for dinner. I will let myself go for another day or so--until the need to cry goes away. I go to sleep hoping I will be reset. Then wake up a little later and cry some more.
Day 3.
I am not fully reset. Still feeling raw. I got up and am writing. Today I will go to another division, where I have a mentor. (I joined this program earlier, realizing I needed to make a change.) I will also see a friend there.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Recruiting
Got a call from a recruiter recently.
There has been some uncertainty at work and some restlessness on my part so the time seems right to be looking to alternatives.
And yet, I declined. On the face of it the money wasn't there. But had I heard of the opportunity to do something more than what I am now, I would have bitten.
It's nice to have a call from the blue to clarify my intentions. I'm thankful this recruiter called and I'd like to help this recruiter fill his placement, but he hasn't gotten back to me with details.
There has been some uncertainty at work and some restlessness on my part so the time seems right to be looking to alternatives.
And yet, I declined. On the face of it the money wasn't there. But had I heard of the opportunity to do something more than what I am now, I would have bitten.
It's nice to have a call from the blue to clarify my intentions. I'm thankful this recruiter called and I'd like to help this recruiter fill his placement, but he hasn't gotten back to me with details.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
DIY Life
Since we moved to our home in the Midwest we've only done the minimum to keep the place livable. Then last year, sick of looking at old wood bookshelves, we started a painting project that stalled out over the winter. When we moved all the shelves out and saw that the walls behind needed some maintaining and the fireplace had some gaps that needed filling, a DIY family was born.
We are learning as we go. We've bought most of the Black and Decker library for home repair and improvement and have bought our first circular saw and orbital sander. I am finding that there is no such thing as a small project on a house since everything is connected. Take our our bookshelves for example. There was gap behind the fireplace, then the walls needed painting; painting for the ceiling, trim, and windows. The kitchen needs updating. Then we discover rusty nails peeking out on the ceiling. What's above? The bathroom. Hmm. a tile has popped out next to the bathtub from a water-damaged subfloor. What's the extent of the damage? Now the toilet is sitting in the shower as we consider if the leak could be coming from there. It might be time to call in plumber.
Funny thing though. instead of feeling overwhelmed, I am energized. I know we can do this. Well, most of it. I have a sense of accomplishment, self-confidence and some pride.
But this isn't just about me, no, there are many positive outcomes from this passion. This will improve our home value or save it from declining too much. Secondly, we are teaching our sons by example. Neither Fat Tony nor I had much exposure to work around the house in our childhoods.. Now that I am a grown-up and dealing with our first house, I believe it's a necessary life skill, like doing math in your head. If you can't do it, you put yourself at the mercy of those who can. On a more abstract level, you need to be able to critically evaluate the world around you and have the confidence to change things as necessary. Without that confidence, you are just a whiner.
We do need appropriate activities for the boys to help with. That can be tricky. The boys had earned themselves a serious grounding and it is a challenge monitoring them. But if I may say so, today was moderately successful. I had us working as a team and getting things done. In fact, our older son was especially helpful and full of initiative. He even said that he feels strong when he completes a task. He got a day off of his grounding with that comment. He's probably learning how to be a charmer as well.
We are learning as we go. We've bought most of the Black and Decker library for home repair and improvement and have bought our first circular saw and orbital sander. I am finding that there is no such thing as a small project on a house since everything is connected. Take our our bookshelves for example. There was gap behind the fireplace, then the walls needed painting; painting for the ceiling, trim, and windows. The kitchen needs updating. Then we discover rusty nails peeking out on the ceiling. What's above? The bathroom. Hmm. a tile has popped out next to the bathtub from a water-damaged subfloor. What's the extent of the damage? Now the toilet is sitting in the shower as we consider if the leak could be coming from there. It might be time to call in plumber.
Funny thing though. instead of feeling overwhelmed, I am energized. I know we can do this. Well, most of it. I have a sense of accomplishment, self-confidence and some pride.
But this isn't just about me, no, there are many positive outcomes from this passion. This will improve our home value or save it from declining too much. Secondly, we are teaching our sons by example. Neither Fat Tony nor I had much exposure to work around the house in our childhoods.. Now that I am a grown-up and dealing with our first house, I believe it's a necessary life skill, like doing math in your head. If you can't do it, you put yourself at the mercy of those who can. On a more abstract level, you need to be able to critically evaluate the world around you and have the confidence to change things as necessary. Without that confidence, you are just a whiner.
We do need appropriate activities for the boys to help with. That can be tricky. The boys had earned themselves a serious grounding and it is a challenge monitoring them. But if I may say so, today was moderately successful. I had us working as a team and getting things done. In fact, our older son was especially helpful and full of initiative. He even said that he feels strong when he completes a task. He got a day off of his grounding with that comment. He's probably learning how to be a charmer as well.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Money smarts
Tonight I am up because I have a cold and/or allergies and can't breathe very easily. I suppose I may also be up because I spent my day sitting in the car and then at work instead of moving about as I have been during my vacation. Working from home certainly does have its unseen perks.
I've been thinking about financial education and how I lack what are considered the basics. Here is a Wall Street Journal article about how most Americans are in a similar situation. It is a serious oversight in our education system that there is no curriculum for building basic financial knowledge. Aspects of this stuff should really be taught throughout K-12. One need simply look to people's ignorance of financial basics compounded with stupid human nature to see how the disastrous tech and housing bubbles happened.
Getting back to what should be fundamental knowledge as stated in the article, it says that it is better to be invested in a mutual fund than in one stock. Ok. I get that it is better to diversify and mutual funds are a good way of doing that without you, the earner of your money putting time into research. Over time, diversified funds would be less volatile than a single stock. But then, with so many types of funds, how can one evaluate them? I see articles like this that show me money fund managers don't seem to be more responsible than an average investor and they want to blame the company for presenting an optimistic outlook. For crying out loud, these are pension funds. What are they doing investing so heavily in a highly speculative stock like Facebook? If these mutual funds are what average Americans should be investing to protect themselves from their own bad judgement we might as well not even bring home a paycheck.
I've been thinking about financial education and how I lack what are considered the basics. Here is a Wall Street Journal article about how most Americans are in a similar situation. It is a serious oversight in our education system that there is no curriculum for building basic financial knowledge. Aspects of this stuff should really be taught throughout K-12. One need simply look to people's ignorance of financial basics compounded with stupid human nature to see how the disastrous tech and housing bubbles happened.
Getting back to what should be fundamental knowledge as stated in the article, it says that it is better to be invested in a mutual fund than in one stock. Ok. I get that it is better to diversify and mutual funds are a good way of doing that without you, the earner of your money putting time into research. Over time, diversified funds would be less volatile than a single stock. But then, with so many types of funds, how can one evaluate them? I see articles like this that show me money fund managers don't seem to be more responsible than an average investor and they want to blame the company for presenting an optimistic outlook. For crying out loud, these are pension funds. What are they doing investing so heavily in a highly speculative stock like Facebook? If these mutual funds are what average Americans should be investing to protect themselves from their own bad judgement we might as well not even bring home a paycheck.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Mind your P's and J's
I was on vacation last week and have come back feeling refreshed and ready to handle work. We spent much of the time working on house projects which gave me a sorely missed sense of accomplishment. Of course, there were bumps. Nothing too serious, but the week's events do make me ponder the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you have them do unto you." We try our best to impress it upon the boys, but those darn exceptions. What to do for different personality types?
I have two selves. According to Myers Briggs personailty types my work persona is on the Judging side of the spectrum, and my home persona is a Perceiver. Judgers like to plan out a vacation. Perceivers might know where they might be going. J's are the organizers, the planners, the Type A's; P's are more impulsive, less structured, in my more self-critical moments, they might even be considered slobs and slackers.
Two lessons this week:
1. Family is not chosen. Consider family gatherings in terms of hours, not days. Think very carefully of what different personalities need.
2. Try to err on the J side of things with people with which you spend less than 16 hours a day.
Nothing new, but bittersweet and painful nonetheless.
I have two selves. According to Myers Briggs personailty types my work persona is on the Judging side of the spectrum, and my home persona is a Perceiver. Judgers like to plan out a vacation. Perceivers might know where they might be going. J's are the organizers, the planners, the Type A's; P's are more impulsive, less structured, in my more self-critical moments, they might even be considered slobs and slackers.
Two lessons this week:
1. Family is not chosen. Consider family gatherings in terms of hours, not days. Think very carefully of what different personalities need.
2. Try to err on the J side of things with people with which you spend less than 16 hours a day.
Nothing new, but bittersweet and painful nonetheless.
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