This morning I fired off some emails to colleagues I'm working with on current accounts. Then I went off to my meetings, which I counted as "successful" because I did not cry once.
My mentor and I had an abbreviated meeting and I couldn't help but notice the look of pity in his eyes. I think he's been where I am now, so I like to believe it is empathy I am seeing rather than a reflection of the hopelessness of the situation. I am doing my best to keep a brave front and trying to stay true my vision for whatever is next. However, I am sure my mentor knows there is compromise on the horizon for me.
In addition to seeing an old friend, I also arranged to see a colleague and friend. It's good to connect. It feels less scary when you are with a friend.
Distractions help. Small goals and interactions that force me to be the person I want to be. It is when I am alone with my thoughts--when I am driving, in my bed in the middle of the night--that the feelings bubble up and overcome me. I try and go with it and let the feelings pass, something I learned from childbirth. Resistance is futile. The best way to handle pain is to open yourself to it and let it move through you.
While I started out sad this morning, I became very angry when speaking to another colleague worried because she and her husband are both out of work. This company should have thought twice about bringing people on when evidence was pointing otherwise. She was a new hire. My friend and her family moved thinking there would be some stability in her situation. Her husband is still looking for work and their son just started kindergarten.
Our company should have been able to plan better or position the job more accurately because the proof has always been right in front of their eyes, but they did not want to see or were incapable of making such a critical evaluation. (I wonder...can former employees sue companies for misrepresenting the status of the business like stockholders can?) So I am pissed. Pissed that my friends and I don't have jobs, but have kids and mortgages to take care of. Pissed that those at the top who made these "informed" decisions are still sitting pretty with sickening compensation packages. They are and will be fine.
Anger doesn't solve anything, but it does help me to say "Fuck it."
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