Walk the walk

The other day we were late to the Cub Scouts mixer because my older son couldn't stop crying.

He was playing with a friend of his and this friend's friend, a boy a couple years older than mine. The two other boys started whispering and wouldn't tell my son what they were saying. Feeling excluded made my son crazy and he launched into a crying fit. He couldn't understand why they wouldn't tell him what they were whispering about.

The next day the same two boys were playing soccer at the older boy's house. Our two boys were there too. Our sons just wanted to play with the toys there and not soccer. Eventually A came home by himself and our younger son, T, was extracted by Fat Tony kicking and screaming.

I understand too well what it feels like to be excluded. I don't think Fat Tony nor I had much proclivity for team sports (though in my case, I was never given the opportunity). We don't play or watch team sports on TV. So the kids don't have a good template for being a sports enthusiast.

It's painful to see because I remember not fitting in. I remember girls blatantly whispering about me and many playground hours spent alone. Recess was torture. I doubt my parents had any clue about the situation. I thought why I was ostracized were for reasons I could not change about myself so I felt helpless. My resolution was to wait for my time at school and at the neighborhood to elapse and I would be free, which is pretty much what I did. When my days in solitary were done, I left for college and return home very, very rarely.

Now I see there were things that could have been done. First is to have someone to talk to.

A is still young enough that he trusts us and he hasn't learned to be a tough boy yet. It's a bittersweet task for FT and me to help him put that tool in his toolbox. We have to help him find ways to protect what is sweet and vulnerable and help him build some psychic armor. To that end, we have to be conscious that we are role models.

In some senses we have to be our children's harshest critics and tell them what no one else will tell them. People don't like cry babies and you were acting like a cry baby. We aren't saying that it was wrong to cry, but when you cry, this is what happens. I am sorry it doesn't feel fair.

What I have forgotten until now is that lately they've seen me cry more than a few times this past week because of past events and when I do, I get love from my family. I suppose I need to let them know it's a different circumstance.

My son and I had a talk about how crying doesn't make people want to like and include you. It's hard to accept as a kid that the world won't give you a hug when you are down. But that is the world we live in. He has to understand the rules.

We talked about how it's important to observe and respond to the world around you. If other kids are playing soccer, you should be playing soccer to be with them. But if you don't like soccer, don't waste your time and come home. We will help you find things you like to do and you will find friends through the things you enjoy doing.

Through my children I see truths about myself. I don't put much effort in activities outside of work, but at work, I am a social butterfly. It's taken me a lifetime to develop a strategy with dealing with the outside world and most of my progress came from realizing it's not about me, but how people perceive me. Much of that work done by my own reflection and experimentation late in life. What I can do now for my kids is to be a guide and tell them what the rules are, to help them find activities they love to do, and most of all, to be a good example at home. It is time to walk the walk.