Another great day for the unemployed mom

Blur had another crying episode at a class, making it his third and Little Bear is turning into an all-around annoying kid.


I get angry over little things--little to the casual observer, but big to me. I yell a lot. I don't happen to think it's yelling when I am doing it. Like today. I was talking about the shitty Illinois economy and the kids don't understand that I'm mad at an abstraction. (Besides nobody tells me I am yelling when I am yelling. Why is that?)

I have been saying that if things keep up, we will have to move. This does not sit well with the kids, Blur especially. He loves it here and hates change. This talk of change makes him want to hunker down at home so when I take him to Spanish class, which is a new thing for him anyways, he freaks out and bolts for the exit. LB on the other hand, handles that stuff well, but does have anger issues when he doesn't get his way. Maybe it's just because he's 5, but maybe he's taking his cues from me.

All day the kids talk about things they want. Wii games, Minecraft, a pet, birthday parties, Hero Factory, going out to restaurants, Disneyland, California...like their friends have. I have cancelled all our dentist visits and am wondering how I can get out of taking the boys to the doctor's before school because we don't have health insurance and are expecting a big ER bill for LB's smashed finger. Our lack of revenue concerns me.

I am really racking up therapy session topics for my kids. I'm not entirely sure that is a bad thing. Maybe this is my warped mind talking, but sometimes I think I am showing them the reality of what happens when you make bad work decisions, when you are complacent and think things will just work out. The one thing I regret about my life is not having a better plan regarding work, money, and life. My message to me kids: Do better than me.

We made the decision recently to get Blur back into school. I will be at the school first day back from summer vacation to register him. We pulled him because we thought homeschool would be better and it was for a bit. But now that FT is teaching and I need to be looking for a job full time, both kids need less of me and more of other (sane) people.

Searching for a job is making me a terrible mother

I want to be a good mom, but I am not. Now that FT is teaching, I watch the kids more so there is even less time to look for and apply for jobs, to network, and to re-tool with new skills.

If I were equally efficient and clear-headed throughout the day, I believe I could manage it. But I have a definite clear period in the morning. I try and get up at 5 every morning to take advantage of that time before the kids get up, but with later nights because of that damned summer daylight, and a fan running at night because it's just too hot for me to sleep without a fan, I miss my alarm. Usually one of the boys is up between 6:30 or 7:30. This does not give me much quiet time at all.

This morning I insisted on completing a volunteer activity, a newsletter I am ghostwriting. The boys come over and want to eat. They want to eat candy they got from the night before at a birthday party. They want to talk about toys they want. They talk about the party yesterday. I cannont negotiate this and finish this assignment. So I snap and yell at them to leave me alone until I am done because a normal voice doesn't work. Then they cry. I write this entry while making them blueberry pancakes.

Being unemployed is tough. I don't know if it is tough because I have no identity apart from being a mother or if it is tough because I am constantly worrying about money. I often think that if I knew in college what my life would be like now, I would have made very different choices. Money isn't everything, but worrying about money is tainting pretty much every aspect of my life.

Hitting the job search wall

Now that we have settled in to summer, I have less time and motivation for a job search than ever before and I fear I have hit the Wall. On the heels of a long weekend, I've managed to make a few whoppers of mistakes, like completely forgetting a networking meeting with a VP of strategy at a large pharma. Yeah, not good.

As much I don't want to bring up how I am screwing up my job search and how it is so difficult to apply to jobs anymore, I do feel like I have to discuss what I think is happening is only to be able to look back and say, "Don't do that again" or on a more positive note, "It was so clear!". So here goes.

Summer is here, which means adherence to schedules is tough. We've had a string of family activities and the neighborhood kids are outside playing. My sons have also met the girl next door. They can't get enough time playing with her and the Younger will wait next to the gate the separates our houses for her to come out. Summer also means that FT is teaching a couple summer classes, making me a full-time mom.

The Younger is giving me a lot to do outside of a job search: We've taken him to the ER for a smashed finger, taken a day to replace a window he broke out of anger, and generally squabble with him daily on his dietary habits (candy for breakfast is highly discouraged, which sets the tone for the rest of the day). Every year I wonder if the next will be easier.

I've been focusing on being a Stay-At-Home-Mom. I'm volunteering with Scouts and Navigators, Tae Kwon Do, and arranging playdates for the boys. I'm cleaning the house and making meals, making sure the kids are still "learning". I'm also working on volunteering at my local hospital and staying on top of my business association activities. I have more than enough to keep me happily occupied and I am coming to enjoy the lifestyle. When I was working, I never envied the life of a SAHM, now I find myself thinking how nice it would be to have a minivan for carpooling and if we should have another baby.

And yet our economic reality is that neither of us has a job that can support the whole family. Both FT and I have to be looking and picking up part-time jobs as they come. My problem, of course, is that I am having an identity crisis. An identity crisis is very, very bad for a job search.

You can't force a square peg in a round hole. Am I a square peg? Although this current economic climate is extremely challenging, I wonder if I am suited for the corporate life at all. My last experience taught me that I will sacrifice my personal life for my job and that my ambition to climb the corporate ladder is not that strong. Is it worth subjecting myself to those forces again? So I am researching graduate school (again), this time on a path that will lead to a type of certification that would lead to steady employment with an institution that likes to see certification, and perhaps to my own business one day. Are the costs in time and money are worth it?

Job search faith

I am embarking on my ninth month of job searching. It's been tough. It's worse than a regular job because I am paying for all this myself and by the one measure that matters, I have been doing a crappy job. Feedback is scarce and after a certain point, it's hard to act on it because it feels like nothing has worked. Why bother?

Then I talk to people who weren't laid off and get advice like, "Have you gone to CareerBuilder?" and want to put my head to the table. Really? REALLY? Is that what you think differentiates you and me? You would look on CareerBuilder? Yeah, it's frustrating. It's not like taking an SAT or getting through a class. There is no guaranteed way to a job. I've networked, rebranded, applied and applied. I've got more versions of my resume than I care to count. And now, I feel like I'm running out of steam.

There's probably someone out there thinking I am unsuccessful because I have a negative attitude and haven't applied myself enough. I'm right there with you. I only have myself to blame.

What's wrong, I wonder, what do I do better? I'm plagued with these questions. And then there is life. Balancing a job search and family. Don't find many articles on that.

Last night we were at the emergency room because my youngest got his finger smashed. Why? Boys were being boys; Fat Tony needed to work; and I needed to be on a networking call.  Constantly, our minds are pulled away from what is in front of us to where we "need" to be. Fortunately, there was no broken bones, just lots of blood stains, tears, and now a big looming medical bill. Just like the bleeding ulcer, it's tempting to think this wouldn't have happened if one of us had a job that would support us.

I keep thinking we are learning and will come out better for this experience, but do we really know this? Am I just making up stories to make myself feel better?

This is where faith comes in. If there is one thing I need to learn, it's how to have faith. It's never been easy for me to an altogether positive person. I always brought a dark lining to any situation. Maybe I thought I was being analytical or insightful, now I see it's useless. So what? I've decided there is absolutely no good in dwelling on bad scenarios. Some might even say that entertaining bad thoughts creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I am wiping my slate clean. I'm working on being a positive but not delusional person. Where to start? I'm working on doing more, applying less.

Am I there yet?

The application
When I did my first resume rehaul, not to long after the lay off, I realized that 10 pt Arial font just wasn't going to cut it. So I got a template off off the Microsoft Office website and tweaked it. I also did my best to include keywords in the content of my resume and spent a good deal of time writing up cover letters.

I really like this link on how to make a resume shine. What I like is how it shows a before and after image of a sample resume. Most of the points I was doing...I like to scan, so most of the points were intuitive, but I completely missed putting a title at the top! Talk about obvious things you miss.

Lately, I've renewed my push to customize my resume for the job, which involves more than changing the title and summary. I thought I was already doing a reasonable job of customizing, but then at a job search event, I saw someone speak about her successful job search in which she changed fields. I didn't have much time at the end of the event so made a bee-line to her, got her card and followed up with her before she started her new job. I asked her about what she did.

My new contact told me about creating a pitchbook and sent me materials from her outplacement firm. It's really very logical in that it lays out the job description and you, the candidate's, qualifications for it. I am shocked with myself that I did not think to do this. (I am also shocked my outplacement firm didn't give me materials on this.) A central component is a table. On the left side, the req's specifications and qualifications. On the right, what you offer. Now, my standard protocol before applying for a job is creating this table. Before I apply to a position, I fill this stuff out, then write up the cover letter and resume.

It takes much longer to run through this exercise so I can't pound out an online application in half an hour any more, but I believe it gives me more clarity of purpose when I apply. This is a such simple exercise that makes a huge difference when applying. This exercise helps me shape my summary statement and customize my accomplishments and previous job descriptions to match the role.

A definite Don't I should include is reading too many articles on Inc.com. It's an engaging magazine for entrepreneurs, and I got the feeling that I was doing something productive, but in retrospect, I was in a fantasy land. I ended up writing a resume for a pretend company where I was the hiring manager, which makes sense. Would you really want to work for someone who didn't share your values? But what I was missing was the nitty-gritty details of how I would offer value to a potential employer, not my fantasy version of an employer.

Of course, with all this renewed emphasis on building a better resume, I find myself not applying for jobs of late. Quality not quantity, right? Definitely not what I should be doing because searching for a job is a numbers game. It takes much longer to put together an application and I just don't have that much time lately.

One good reason I've had less time was I'd been preparing for an interview for a small pharma and I am pretty excited about it.

Preparing for the interview
First, mentally. As opposed to other prospects, where I held back my enthusiasm for a job, I said to myself that this was the job I wanted...really, really wanted. It's perfect for me and I am perfect for them and here are all my reasons why. As Napolean Hill would say, I had a burning desire for my goal. Corny, but true. The candidate who wants the job more gets it.

Second was research. I researched the company and their prospects, the therapeutic area and the current standard of care, pulling information from the web and creating Word and Powerpoint documents. I built a spreadsheet on the available drugs and their mechanisms of action. Then I mined my network to get informational interviews with people who either do this type of job or who work with patients. I did my best to insert these details in my interview subtly, but for the most part, my interviewers didn't seem to care that much. I would do it again because I felt prepared and I think it reflected in my confidence level during the interviews.

Everything regarding the interview was done very professionally and on schedule, so it gives me confidence in the company I'll be working for. There were some details of the plan that I would consider aggressive, but these days, what isn't?

Pretty much most of my free time leading up to the interview was devoted to preparing. Thing was, I didn't have much free time. Since the end of the school year, we've been consumed with family and volunteering obligations.

Prioritizing
I think the most difficult part about looking for a job is how to handle priorities after a good interview. Do your follow-up--thank you notes and anything else the company wants you to do and then move on to another application. But there are no guarantees so you absolutely must keep feeding your funnel. Yes, I know this. Problem is in practicing this.

I haven't put in a new application anywhere yet. I also did hear back from the other position I was hoping for. The company has decided to delay hiring for a few months. So it is absolutely critical to get a few applications in by the end of the week.

That said, I had a busy week volunteering, managing kids, just stressing. So my body has to readjust. I think it sounds lazy and complacent, but I know that without recharging, I simply can't focus. Also, the sound of rain in the mornings, which we've been getting a lot of in the Midwest, makes waking up very hard. Finally, I have obligations to organizations and people I can't ignore that have been put on the backburner until I finished this interview. Can't ignore Kharma!

Summer job search update

I hate looking for a job. I really do.

At times I think that I will just stop and be a stay-at-home mom, take a class and volunteer. Then I manage to pull it together for one more application.

My sort-of new strategy has been to "rebrand" and to do more through volunteering, where rebranding simply means stepping back and thinking about how I can position my resume and cover letter in a way that says, "I can do this for you," as opposed to "I'm so great because..."

I also tried to increase the number of job search networks I belonged to, which meant really going out of my way to sit through more meetings with people who also didn't really want to be there. I even tried to join an accountability group. When the accountability group never got back to me with time and place, I decided there are better uses of my time. I'd rather be doing something useful through volunteering than handing out handbills.

Then, like a miracle, I had two interviews come up within days of one another. Here are the details for the first so far. The second was for what I'd consider my "dream job" and I did a lot of preparing during a crazy week. It ended positively with the assurance that I would hear about the next step from HR soon. Please cross your finger and wish me luck!

With all these good signs, the most important thing I have to do right now is to stop daydreaming and apply for more jobs, which takes me back to paragraph 1. It's another Monday and here I go.

Phone screen.

After revamping my resume and creating a pitchbook for a job, I applied and got an email the same day to schedule a phone screen. A pleasant surprise!

I could have said that I could talk immediately, but gave myself at least a day to get in touch with my contacts to solicit feedback. These people were incredibly helpful, making themselves available before and after hours and they gave me some input I did not expect-- the stuff I needed to hear, like don't talk about family in your time "off" and bring up my energy level.

I practiced and practiced, paring down answers to anticipated questions and believing that I was the best person for this job. I got dressed up for my call and set my materials around for me to reference as needed. My plan was to practice until the phone rang. Only, the phone didn't ring. There was no call.

Was this the end? Did they already find someone and were they too busy negotiating with that person to bother closing the loop with me? Or could this have slipped this person's mind? If the opportunity was indeed dead to me, then I deserved the courtesy of knowing. If this person forgot, he should know. I called 5 min after the scheduled time passed and left a VM.

I went downstairs and unloaded some feelings about the matter to Fat Tony, then resolved to call this guy every half hour until I heard back definitively. I'll spare you the details, but forty minutes later he called back.

He was very apologetic, but otherwise, it was a cut-to-the-chase conversation. I liked how blunt he was about what he needed and I did my best to assure him that not only was I was what he needed but they were what I needed. I really wanted to work for them and these were my genuine reasons why.

He ended with, "I like what I hear" and said he'd be consulting with his boss. So I am hopeful.

What have I learned?
1. Focus on being more energetic and positive.
I tend towards quiet, so cranking up my energy is not easy for me. The rule of thumb I got is to know where I am comfortable, then go a notch or two higher. So I have my measure, The trick now is making sure I am "on". The mind trick I use is to pretend I am on the stage. Stage performers don't speak in their normal voices, and up close, the make-up they wear is garish. But they are playing to an audience far away. They need to project. Just like I need to project who I am. It's not exactly a stage, but my audience is quite a distance away. He or she doesn't know me. I'm not faking something that isn't there, just projecting what I have.

2. Be more rational.
That said, getting carried away with emotions and visions is not helpful and focusing on energy level is distracting. I made some assumptions based on what I heard in this interview and it was a very short conversation, but what I should have done was to pin him down, only I was feeling good about a next interview.

Making myself visibly enthusiastic goes at odds with being rational. Visible enthusiasm is something I have to practice, like practicing my elevator pitch (which never goes the way I practice it, but usually sounds just fine). It's like sports: You practice a move so much, it becomes part of your  unconscious brain, which frees up your conscious brain to think about what really needs to be done. I need to practice thinking about the next thing like uncovering processes, bringing up next steps and clearing objections.

While I am hopeful, the rational side of me says to cool it. I did my best during the interview and in my thank-you email to assure them I wanted to be there and that pay was not the priority. But there are many different reasons why I might not get this job and I might never hear from them again. I've put a follow-up activity in my calendar, so I know what I need to do here, but the most important thing now is to be working on the next opportunity.

What I should do for my job search

I attended another job search talk/workshop/networking event. This one was sponsored through a local commuter college and highly organized. I was impressed.

It was something I almost didn't go to. Online, it seemed like it was going to cover the same territory as the other seminars and workshops and online resources I've attended and read.

But it's important to be saying "yes" and to be showing my face, because you never know. I did have some good conversations and I am trying my best to help others. What I liked about this event was its focus on structure: it had a talk, workshops, follow-up workshops, organized networking time.

It also made me think about what I should be doing for my job search now:

1. Be prepared to effectively self-promote
You need a great elevator pitch. This is something that must be well-practiced, brief, and memorable (in a good way).  I can barely listen to someone drone on and on about his/her last six months of being so productive--at a job seeking event--and I'm not even a decision maker.

The group had many handbills and cards at the ready. I did not. (I'm "rebranding".) When I've re-developed my pitch, the collateral will be on hand and it's going to be eye-catching.

2. Be nice
Being nice certainly isn't a quality to hire on (and frankly, when all you hear about someone at work is that he or she is "nice," you might want to head the other direction). Most everyone was nice. I hope I was nice.

But being "not nice" does kick you out of the pool. Some stood out as being especially angry, clueless, socially oblivious, or self-centered. I made mental notes to avoid these people in the future. Positive energy is a scarce resource for everyone, not just for the unemployed.

Sure, you can't really control how you feel, but you can control what you do: When you are networking, make an effort to make eye contact. If you can't find it in yourself to care about someone else, at least pretend to be interested or just stay home. Let other people speak. Be brief.

3. Know who you are and how to shine
I'm clearly not the only one with this problem. Who am I? What do I do? How I bring value? Who benefits from my work? Define it, practice saying it, and most of all, live it.

The people who stood out to me were people who've taken a twistier path--Army vet, piano teacher, waitress--and people with generally sunny personalities. They gave me the sense they would be just fine because they are more than their job search.

Then there are those for whom I had the inkling there was a bit more than bad luck involved in their situation. They might have been trying to shine, but they just hogged the spotlight. Be careful to avoid being the one who is all talk, no action.

4.  Know what you need to do, not what "they" say you need
One trend I see is a goal to have more than 500 LinkedIn connections, to which I ask, So what? If and when the recruiter calls, the question is the same, "How do you fit what I am looking for?" How does having over 500 connections help you answer this question?

If your profile is underwhelming, you've just hurt your search because now more than 500 people (in theory) seeing a sub-par profile. 

Now, going through the work of filling in your profile does help you answer the question. Clearly defining who you are in a compelling way is an art. It comes from having talked and worked with many people who have helped clarify that for you through their example, feedback, conversation, and observations. If you follow up all these interactions with a LinkedIn connection, the 500+ connections is the result of a vibrant work life.

500+ connections is not your goal. Your goal is to create a process in which 500+ connections is a natural outcome. What are you giving? What are you getting? Why?

I read The Start-up of You recently and was pleasantly surprised. It's filled with inspirational anecdotes and practical recommendations on how to build and use your network.

5. Be thankful
This experience is bringing me to people I never would have met, revitalizing connections that had gone cold, helping me see things in a new light. I am learning and thinking about things I would not have made the time for, and am actively changing my idea of what I want to do with what life I've got left. We are prioritizing our days on what we need to do as a family, not around my work.

6. You make your own luck 
You could say that it's just bad luck to be laid off. Sure. Wrong group, wrong company, bad timing. But we do make our own luck. Look at me. I know I should have been looking for a job when I had one, but I couldn't. I was too burnt out and could not run myself ragged working on another company's short-term goals and maybe, down deep, I wanted to face uncertainty to discover who I really am and who I need to be.

So what am I going to do with these lessons? To me, everything I just laid out points me to volunteering. It's a way to get out and do instead of talk and ruminate, to connect and make a difference, to give thanks and to shine.

I've got a few ideas so stay tuned.



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INTP job search problem: Lack of focus

It's been hard to keep my head up. Rumored hiring freezes and more dead-ends.

When I am feeling unproductive, I tend to re-check my Myers-Briggs type. Over time I've come to settle down on INTP, or Introspective, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiver:

INTPs don't want to lead or be led. They live inside their own heads, thinking. Nicknamed Architects, Thinkers, or Engineers, they are types to sit and work alone for many hours. Albert Einstein, they say, was an INTP. There are very few examples of women INTPs.

One of the pitfalls to being this type is it's difficult to focus because you are always taking in new information. I've never felt like I've never been able to find a groove for myself and throw myself completely into an endeavor, to let enthusiasm for a topic take over my being and think years ahead to the end-game. It just never seemed to matter. Of course, INTPs aren't the only ones with this problem, but most people outgrow this phase. Knowing my lack of focus comes from a particular set of qualities other people share gives me hope. I am not so uniquely flawed.

INTPs are supposedly very good problem solvers, particularly in scientific and technical fields. Funny enough, that is exactly what I did. I was a scientist, then a technical problem solver. Unfortunately for me companies are not looking for problem solvers, they are looking for "experienced" [fill in exact job title here] who are "proven" and "successful" with several years of experience at [niched job tasks]. At my last employer, I moved through a series of jobs quickly. At the time, it seemed like I was on a fast track. Now, not so much.

Computer programming comes up as a good job for INTPs. Most of the web postings are from guys in their 20's. (Self-selecting population, perhaps?) That said, I have an inkling I would like it. So part of me thinks I should hurry up and learn how to program. But wait, I have two boys, summer vacation looming, and a job search to do. I do not have many quiet hours to devote to this goal. Fun and interesting as this sounds, I don't think I can make this my number 1 priority.

My biggest problem is income. Conventional wisdom says, "Get a job." (Or as my mother would say, "Get a real job.") Lots of people do it and when they play it right, it works out great for them.

It's tough working for a company, especially a large one. Pharma and medical device consolidation is a fact of life for the foreseeable future. One industry insider said his company is looking to reduce budget 10% this year and another 10% next. Easiest way is to shed Sales and Marketing personnel. Derek Lowe has been posting on how much pharma has been spending on marketing vs. R&D. For an industry that relies on discovering drugs and innovating devices, this imbalance is utterly unsustainable.

Basically, I've got a few challenges to deal with: declining number of jobs, increasing competition, lack of specific experience.

But the worst of all is lack of focus. When you lack focus, you can't effectively "brand" yourself. In my case, "Problem Solver" is not effective, but I'm such a stickler for correctness, I have difficulty stating something else. I am a problem solver. I've worked on all sorts of scientific and technical problems. I have no trouble taking on new information and I believe that ability makes me a better problem solver because I don't carry assumptions.

Ironically enough, being a problem solver is my central problem because I have not defined myself well for other people. People look at my resume and say things like, "Impressive," but don't know what to do with me. I've also tailored my resume so many times now I can't keep track of what I am supposed to be anymore.


So, I am taking the week to regroup, revise my resume, and come up with a plan that I will follow through on. That means informationals and committing to some things like a job search accountability group, signing up for a Project Management Certification program, and finding a way in to clinical setting.  Because I lack focus, I have to work against type. My plan cannot rely on my relentlessly networking and hoping a job comes out from under a rock. For me, the work goes a little deeper. I have to consistently define myself each day. Lay it out, then diligently work on it, despite what my inner voice says.

Painting and life

For years and years and years I lived in rentals and had junky furniture because I couldn't justify getting "nice" things for myself. I figured I would never live in a place long enough or have these things long enough to warrant the investment.


Even after buying our home, I didn't have the urge. But then it started. First a picnic table set from IKEA, then some built-ins in the family room. I had no idea about painting. Didn't know you had to prime anything, (although I did clean off the surface), didn't wait long enough between coats. I got it done and if you don't look very closely, the end result looks fine.

Then I started on rooms and noticed the trim didn't look good. So they had to be painted as well. Eventually the kitchen and the cabinets, the foyer, a study, and the dining room have all been painted.

Most of this done in the early morning hours or on weekends. Each time I learned something.

1. The fumes won't kill you, but the oil based stuff will make you feel lousy. Don't be a dummy and know what you are working with, how to keep yourself healthy, and why.

2. Preparation is key. Clean everything with TSP, prime and caulk the trim, then paint the walls with a roller. Do an entire area (edges and walls at once). Anticipate what are known problems first. It makes the big job go easier because you are not interrupting your workflow to deal with issues.

3. When you are careful, you don't need painter's tape. Taping becomes a big waste of time if you pay attention to what you are doing.

4. You do need a drop cloth. Rollers splatter.

5. Keep the paintbrushes and rollers in a plastic bag when you pause overnight during a project. Don't forget to clean the brushes when you are done!

6. Don't lay it on thick to finish faster. Drip marks and bristle marks show you don't care. Light coats don't take that long to dry and you can look at your product with pride.

7.Try new things. You can paint over if you don't like it.

8. Don't obsess about little things. Nobody really cares if your lines aren't perfect.

9. It's therapeutic. When life's tough, the very act of moving and changing my world makes me feel better.


10. Life needs color.

11. Don't paint in the dark. I still make this mistake because I think I can see just fine. Then the sun comes up and I see my mistakes. See # 6.

12. You don't have to be original to be happy. Creating your vision, however unoriginal as it may seem, is what is beautiful.

13. Write your lessons down.

14. You can't keep waiting to learn more. Start already.


These lessons started in painting, but they apply in everything I do. Now my home is one big never ending project, a constant source of inspiration. Now for the rest of my life.

What matters

I know I've got maybe 2 readers out there so it caught my attention when the number of views rocketed last night to 15. Not knowing much about the intricacies of the web, I suppose there is a robot out there scanning the web--looks like from Russia. Turns out when I click on the link for the traffic, I get a weight loss site. In the past, I've found myself at porn sites. Guess that is one way to get traffic, target bloggers, many of whom are lonely and fat.

This week I've been on a tear, painting our dining room. We are finally going to throw our 5-year old his 5.5 year birthday party. The poor child's birthday falls between Halloween and Thanksgiving and this year, it was all preceded by my getting laid off. So we figured we would delay the celebration when we had more financial certainty. No job still, but we are certain. It'll be an at-home deal so we've got to turn up the imagination and energy. When you are working, those qualities are in short supply so it's worth it to just outsource the party. Now, we've got no excuse.

I've also hit a wall with the job search. I've also been telling myself that it's a rough market now for pharma and devices now. For example, AbbVie is letting go of its cardio force, Novartis is cutting, Lilly is cutting, Perkin-Elmer... I do hear of companies that are hiring, but the numbers getting let go far exceed the number they are hiring. So there is an excess of qualified and very experienced people out there. Experience is not my strong suit.

I'm still chasing down leads and applying to open positions that I can fit, mostly because I need to get unemployment. But I know I need to change my outlook.

To that end, I've been doing informational interviews and trying to identify jobs, industries, and companies where I would fit, not just in the short term, but for the long run. I have a great opportunity to change where I've been going. Trouble is, it's been hard for me to see where to go and take action on it. So I've been working on the dining room and listening to podcasts like Entrepreneur on Fire or Smart, Passive Income, and doing a lot of soul-searching.

One thing I've realized is that I'm not very good at contemplating when I am just sitting and reading, something I was trained to do since childhood. I just get depressed. I really like moving and completing projects. As a kid, all I did was study for tests and I'm not a particularly focused person, so I persisted and worked very hard to get less-than-stellar grades. I didn't do sports and only played stringed instruments badly as an extracurricular. (Yes, I am Asian.) That was my childhood, working for 100% and "Excellents!" and Kaplan SAT prep. I can not point to anything useful from all those years of "study".

What this means as an adult is that I needed someone to give me a frame of reference in the form of a degree, then fellowship, then job. And now none of that means much. Plenty of people look at my resume and say, "Impressive". But that gets me nothing. As much as I try to bring my A game to an interview, I am just not the best in the bunch. My PhD and the last job I had bring me no comfort at night. What does is thinking about being with my family and making a life where we all continue to learn and create.

For whatever new life to take root and grow, the old must die. That's what's happening to me. It is appropriate that Spring is here. I want to show my kids a different way to becoming their best selves. My hope is to they can get it right the first time.

The first of many more...

Drug-company sponsored free lunches for patients, or people formerly not known as Health Care Professionals (HCPs)


Pharmalot reports Novartis is hosting educational meals for MS patients. Don't know why this hasn't happened before as these events used to be hosted only for
HCPs. At least that was the case at my former employer. I wonder how this kind of policy would fly.


Personally, I'm for appealing directly to the patient. It puts the power of information in the hands of those who most needs it. Maybe this information is biased, but it's not worse than what had been presented in the past to doctors. Or not presented in Novartis' case.

Leaning in, Falling Down

I've calmed down on the whole Sheryl Sandberg Lean In thing. In fact, once the book is available at the library, I will go check it out. So my familiarity with the book is really based on on what other people are saying about it and my own biases about what I think she is saying. OK. But this doesn't keep me from writing about what I think. It is my own blog, after all.

Sheryl Sandberg is enormously gifted, powerful, rich, smart. But her life story is so unrelatable to me. A gifted child with a leader's temperment. Supportive family and extensive network. Stellar education, lucky breaks, harmonious chore-free home life, and self-effacing style to boot, at least on 60 Minutes. She always knew what she was about and how to get where she wanted. And most critically of all, she had the right mentors. Who can blame her for telling the rest of us what we have done wrong?

To restate generalizations we've all heard before, women are programmed to be less assertive than men. They are passive agents in life, taking what is given to them, but not asking for more. If  women are assertive, then they are labeled bossy and worse. Sandberg says that women should go full bore until they have children. Climb as high as you can and then manage your work-life balance.

Thing is with me, without children, I might never have become engaged in my work the way I did. Having my first child provided the spark, not only because I needed to provide for us, but because I wanted to strive for him. I'm just an n of one, but I don't think I'm unusual. I want to believe there is path different from the one Sandberg lays out.

As time goes on, I see less of what she says through the lens of a woman who has ostensibly failed at this whole leaning in thing and more as a mother considering what are the essential lessons my children need to learn while in my care. Overtly, her commentary is about how women conduct themselves in the workplace. To me, the core issue is in creating that person who eventually works. No amount of preaching to lean in is going to change that person underneath. That's attending to the symptoms, not the cause.


If you don't develop the self assurance and confidence to be engaged with life and decisions, it's not a trivial process to attain it. The core issue is how anyone finds that spark early on and how that spark is nurtured to become a fire. From there, how will you find good mentors and make good decisions? Those decisions come back to the values you develop at a child: What is valuable to you? What is right and wrong? Who are you? I believe if you address those questions, the rest falls in to place. Leaning in without knowing who you are just makes you fall down.

I've been fascinated by this Mr. Money Mustache. Now, here is someone who understood what he was about from day one in the workforce. He and his wife were able to retire at 30 before having a child! How's that for work-life balance?

Pick Me!

I love this post from Seth Godin about picking yourself. I have been stuck this last year in thinking I have to find a way back in. It's caused me plenty of stress, not to mention lots of medical bills, and hasn't led to any jobs (yet). I need a company to pick me because I need health insurance, financial security, and what about the kids? Without a job, I'd be flying without a net. But would I be flying at all?

The truth is that I don't have a job and probably won't be getting one soon. So there is no point in dwelling on the hypothetical. I'm moving on, discovering how to pick myself.

What Godin says isn't new. What makes him such a great marketer is his ability to see what is right in front of him. He's that kid calling out the naked emperor. We could all work on that ability. It's true we all have to adapt, but the hardest part is letting go of what we think we are supposed to see.

Novartis and Hooters

I've been keeping up on the US Justice Department's suit against Novartis for its alleged violations of the Anti-Kickback Statute from 2002-2011. Novartis allegedly hosted educational events--events hosted by drug companies, usually at a restaurant or the like, where certain doctors or Key Opinion Leaders (KOLs) are supposedly paid a fair market value for their time to speak about the data-based merits of the company's drugs. This is common acceptable practice within the industry. These types of events generate extremely high return on investment as doctors who are paid to attend these events will in turn increase the number of prescriptions they write for the company's drugs.

The difference in this case is that there was little evidence that any credible scientific data were shared as some of these events occurred on fishing trips off the Florida coast or at Hooters with no slide decks. Novartis' mistake was not in paying off the doctors, but in paying them off without the formality of a slide deck. Had the sales reps simply reported the use of a Powerpoint presentation, there would be no issue. So perhaps the real crime here is in the reps' inattentive record keeping.

Of course, Novartis is just doing what everybody else in the industry is doing to be competitive. Altogether, in the past 10 years, pharmas have paid more than $11 billion for their marketing tactics; they say "data" and "educational programs", Justice department says "false claims" and "kickbacks".

The New Normal

I don't worry about money or health insurance or fear losing our home. These thoughts are not useful and in fact, quite harmful. As much as you will hear about how H. pylori causes gastric ulcers, most people with H. pylori do not have ulcers. Ulcers can be treated with antibiotics, but we all know the truth: stress causes gastric ulcers.

I am trying to not think about uncertainty. Rather, I am focusing on what is in front of me: my kids.

Homeschooling has been a challenge and as much as I want to espouse the noble goal of creating a confident, independent, and curious thinker, I have come to believe that none of that happens if kids don't learn how to acquire and synthesize information outside of their heads, ie., reading and writing.

We pulled Blur from kindergarten last year because he came home each week with a pile of sight words to learn. This makes no sense for 5-6 year-olds. I came across some words recently and still bristle at the ridiculousness of having a kindergartner learn "loft". Sure some kids are able to, but for us, practicing sight words was creating a painful association with learning.

That said, I love flashcards. Always have. Without flashcards, I never would have made it through Organic Chemistry. But we needed to put our time with our kindergartener to better use. Now that Blur is 7, things are different...just something about the age. He's less ansy and better able to communicate. Basically, he's ready to learn to read and write.

Since I've been home, I've been reading with him and collecting words he doesn't know on to flashcards. This way there is some context to the words. Then I am having him write something, anything everyday because use makes mastery.

The best part is I see improvement, very much unlike my job search. So I think that maybe it is time to stop dwelling on my own career goals and focus on my kids' futures. Kids are a better investment.

In terms of what I am doing for my job search, I am networking more and doing fewer online applications. I had an interview for a position back at the Company a couple weeks ago, but since they are still interviewing candidates as of today, I won't hold my breath. Today I will figure out what to do with my 401K.

I am having trouble finding focus in this job search. What I thought I could do, I don't have experience in, and what I have experience in I don't want to do (and the needs change so much in technology that my skills are probably no longer relevant).

At the Company, I really thought I would be able to use my internal connections to find a new position, but nothing has materialized (yet). Everyday I read of more layoffs within my industry as it contracts and "finds efficiencies". That means more and more over-qualified and eager applicants for every open position.

So I have been focusing on networking, it's much more rewarding than blindly applying to jobs. I've been getting excellent tips from my contacts. First came from an old colleague. He told me to show my face at the Company. It's a campaign and I need to be there in their hearts and minds. Another came from a new contact who recently started a new positions after 8 months away. She has three goals for each day: 1. make one new connection, 2. follow up on an old one, 3. apply for a job. Applying for jobs is the hardest; I've applied to all the ones I want.

If I let it, I am paralyzed by questions of who I really am and who I want to be. That's what I need to address when I apply for jobs. But if I focus on what's in front of me, those questions don't matter. I am what I do. That's what life was like when I had a job; it's what it's like when I am being a mom.

Searching for what I will do next, which is different from who I am now, is confusing stuff. That's my new normal.

What I've learned from interviewing

I had two interviews this week. The first went horribly, the second, very well.

The horrible phone screen was with a current Product Manager. I had spoken to the hiring manager, but he wanted an OK from someone already doing the job to bring me in. He was deferring to the larger organization that acquired, then gutted his small company and wanted to make sure I measured up to Their standards. He actually said to me he wasn't sure if what he thought he needed would change, which says volumes about him as a manager. Seriously. Why not just say, "Put me out of my misery already?"

But back to the interview. This person kept hammering for specific information about what I would do in this and that situation, basically making me feel like I missed the class where they presented the answers. What bugs me most though, is at the end of the interview, when I asked my questions, he admitted that the quality you need to succeed in their organization is the ability to be flexible and to "roll up your sleeves," which the interview was completely not about. It makes me think that he was interviewing me to see how close I come to his ideal candidate (ie., him) not for what really is needed.

I beat myself up about that for the rest of the day but did pull it together to prepare for interview #2 the next day.

This interview was in person where I met the Sales Manager and discussed my qualifications, the company and products, the territory, and the customer base. It felt like a conversation and frankly, it was a lot of fun. For a prospect that I wasn't that excited about earlier, I couldn't be more happy to have interviewed. Even if they don't hire me, this experience gives me hope and the information I need to aim for a better target.

I will work on preparing better for the next time I meet an interview sniper. But I know it's not personal. It's all about the interviewer and how that person sees the world. For this sniper, there are right and wrong answers to hypothetical situations. For me, being unemployed is way better than working with a guy like that.

What I am learning from hiring managers

You might say that as part of my job search process, I am collecting data. In particular, what is it that keeps me from getting that second interview? When I revamped my resume, extending it from 1 to 3 pages and adding as much detail I could about my roles and fit for the current position, I got more bites. Now I can get a phone screen with the hiring manager. What I am finding now is this interview seems to go well, but it's been the end of the line for me. No second interview.

I need to consider what am I missing. I am aiming for the modest Product Manager positions, a lateral move. Nothing too glitzy, not Global Marketing Managers or even Senior Product Managers. Still, the first and foremost objection is my lack of formal experience with the title. Part of the problem as I see it is the lack of those types of positions available. Generalizing from the events at my former company, it seems that...

1. Companies have undergone and continue to undergo a huge amount of restructuring. Heads who fronted very high profile and seemingly successful business units are "retiring".

2. In place of these big guns are smaller, younger, very ambitious guns with big ideas. They are bringing in director-level people to support them infusing 'new life' to these tired business units, ie., do things differently so the organization can do more with less.

3. New roles are created by those new directors. Trends in sales and marketing include consolidating resources that were formally siloed. In the niche I am looking, these roles focus on downstream marketing activities, acting as a resource hub for something like partner management, training, and or business process management, but highly cross-functional.

My experience is highly cross-functional and the good recruiters and hiring managers see this. But the big objection these hiring managers hold is my lack of "formal experience", as least that's what I hear if I can get that sort of input. (There could be something less easily changed, like my personality, that is the real problem!) So it is my job to counter that concern.

My first step is to practice talking the talk. I rehearsed how I position my experience to be everything but the title, but I also know there are some ins and outs I might be missing.

I've been asking former sales and marketing colleagues who have been hiring managers themselves what they think a PM needs to know, what they've learned, what they are looking for when they hire.

It is interesting how views split. Keeping in mind that this is very restricted sampling, I get the sense there are a couple of buckets. First is the kind that knows what he/she wants. Degrees and titles don't matter that much. They care about drive, native intelligence, and fit. This manager has confidence in his/her own abilities to get things done and enough experience managing to know how to spot good raw material and convert it to a useful resource. These people are the ones that give clear directive feedback. "Check this and that company, these contacts might help you...Get in front of as many people as possible...Make sure you are x, y, and z...Make sure you clear objections...Make sure you get firm next steps..." (By the way, only one of these people is hiring for a position I fit and I am unwilling to relocate now.)

Then there is the other type who says, "Go get an MBA, take classes...focus on what you've done before." In terms of hires, they look for the very specific experience and might be second-guessing themselves. For whatever reason, it seems they are afraid of making a mistake. They might be inexperienced themselves in their current role and unsure of their own abilities. I hear the desire to hire someone who can "hit the ground running" from these types. Or based on recent events (massive lay-offs), they might be uncertain of their own changing company landscape. They don't trust their own instincts anymore and are looking for someone the company would see as a good hire.

This experience does fly in the face of advice columns I read about hiring and product management that espouse enthusiasm and a broad mix of qualities that are not based on title. As much as I want to believe there are those hiring managers out there, I believe the behavioral-based hiring practices with its dependence on certifications, and formal experience are ruling the day.

It is still Q1 2013, on the heels of 2012 shake-ups and ensuing aftershocks as restructuring continue. Sales meetings are generally held in February and end of Q1 is just around the corner, so there is the rush to make numbers with fewer resources and to fill the open reqs in mid-upper management. What this means for me is the roles I am perfectly suited for title-wise might not crop up until the second half of this year, when these newly hired directors and senior managers realize they can't possibly do everything expected of them by themselves.

So my options are to...

1. Wait until positions I am well-suited for title-wise become available.
2. Back it up. Go for positions I did in the past. This is very much not a preferred strategy.
3. Consider other options--school anyone?
4. Convert the ones I've got going.

Of course, my preference is to work on converting current opportunities while networking. To do this, I have to figure out how to assure this hiring manager that I will indeed hit the ground running.

Home Depot Hiring Syndrome

I love Home Depot. Since discovering my love of DIY, I am a regular in their aisles (and at our local Ace). It amazes me that for most of my home problems, there really is a product that solves it and it is a luxury to just find it on a store shelf.

But companies' expectation that people are interchangeable parts to be found off the shelf is a big part of why unemployment is so high. I spotted this observation in Derek Lowe's In the Pipeline blog over here and followed his link to an article about Peter Cappelli and his thoughts on hiring today. He refers to the current climate as the Home Depot Syndrome, in which employees are viewed like washing machine parts. Companies need simply take one off the shelf and replace the part in the machine. Of course, the business flaws with this type of hiring logic are clear--companies aren't washing machines that never change and people are more than just parts. But I think the analogy is accurate for the times. It does fit with my experience and the experience of other job seekers.

Take my former employer as an example. They've done some serious organizational slimming in the commercial ranks, combined with an intense recognition of the need for highly trained regulatory personnel with the "sudden" change in healthcare legislation. It seems that rather than anticipating the change in business strategy required and shifting priorities and resources over the years, they chose to to lop off sections and hire from outside the organization to fill roles they invented. Apparently, retraining  people within organizations is out of the question, so out they go. Many pharma and medical device companies are doing the same thing. This leads to a glut of commercial/customer-facing "talent" and a scarcity of regulatory "talent". Thus, a skills gap.

In addition, with the current unemployment numbers, companies are betting they will find exactly what they want for wages qualified people were making 15 years ago, no negotiation.

For the slots that are open, requirements are very exacting. Specific certifications are required (CQE, Six Sigma, LEAN, PMP, MBA's...) even if people filling similar roles do not have them. It's not to say that certifications are useless, just that there is more to an applicant than the sum of his/her certifications. Without a certain certification, a resume does not make it past the first screen.

Perhaps this practice portends the future. Should companies look at an individual candidate as a whole person again? Is there really any need to? Are we headed for a world where people are interchangeable parts? I sincerely doubt it, but we need the data showing what model works.

Who are creating these job requirements? Hiring managers who don't exactly know what they want so they pile on requirements and complicit Human Resources. With this unbeatable combination, you get a situations like these from the Capelli article:

• ..[a] staffing department failed to identify a qualified candidate for a “standard engineering position”—out of 25,000 applicants. 
• ...a software developer who was turned down for a job that involved operating a particular brand-name software-testing tool—despite the fact that he had actually built just such a tool himself.
• [The same software developer who was] deemed unqualified because “I didn’t have two years of experience using an extremely simple database report formatting tool, the sort of thing that would require just a couple hours for any half-decent database wrangler to master."

This problem is way bigger than me, but I can't help but wonder, "What can I do to make things better?" Aside from creating a wildly successful business that embodies my ideals of what a company should be and do, I don't know. Suggestions, anyone?

Saying Yes

I went to an event where some members of Second City led a workshop on using improvisational skills in the workplace. One of the exercises for the audience was to split into teams of three and each member would make a proposal. For the first, the response from the audience was, "No, but...", for the second, "Yes, but...", and for the last, "Yes, and..." The point was to demonstrate how energizing a "Yes" is, even with a "but" at the end.

These days, I am at the receiving end of a lot of no's. No, you don't qualify. No, you we have candidates that more closely match, or just silence, which is the worst No.

Clearly, not very energizing.

So in exploring what my next step should be in this job search after "Fake It", I am thinking, "Embody the Change". If I want people to say yes to me, I must say yes to the world.

That means giving ideas a chance before shooting them down. I might have a larger pool of opportunities to draw from; I might even be creating opportunities for myself.

I'm also looking for opportunities to get out and about. Going to church(es), volunteering, finding activities and being out around people. Maybe this makes me an extrovert, but I think that after so many months of this solo job search, even the most die-hard of introverts would be dying for some social contact. So even if I don't really feel like getting out, my rule overrides how I feel and I get out.

If I have an idea, I have to say yes to it and follow through. This is where Faking It comes in handy. So what if I am not really a blogger? Pretend! I can't let preconceptions about who or what I am overshadow the possibilities that lie out there in the world.

The other day, a recruiter was looking for someone for an entry level role and gave me the impression that he thought I would not really go for this position. I was tempted to agree and stop moving ahead. The reasons seemed sound: I would have to prove myself all over again (I'm better than that), I would be traveling all the time (it's tough stuff), there are no guarantees (I could be in this same position next year). But I did not say no, which is three-quarters to yes. I did some research and thinking and came to see the possibilities. Yes!

Of course, I still have a long way to go and lots of things can still happen, but I am one step further in than I was, I've got something now to hang my hat on, and I'm certainly not sorry I said yes.

Persistence and Insanity

I get up in the morning, get my water or coffee and sit down in my office to study Chinese and then programming.

7:30 rolls around and I go downstairs to help with the morning routine and then...I should be job hunting.

The economy is bad. Chicago, Lake County, and Rockford, areas that surround us have the dubious distinction of making it on to the Forbes Most Miserable Cities list. Last night, at a networking event for a local association (the light in the dark of this job hunt), a fellow job hunter said that her husband has recently lost his job as well. He worked for a start-up and the backer pulled, so no severance package for him. Yeah, it's bad here.

For all my hopes about our future here in the Chicago area, I see it will be very challenging. 

Everyday I sit down and think about how I will get the next job. I write cover letters and try to tailor my resume, but clearly, this process is not working. In effect, I am doing the same thing with the same results. I am being persistent or insane?

This is turning into an excruciating exercise and the fear of failing is literally eating away at me.  I need to set aside all the recent misses and conduct my job search as if I am the best thing since strawberry ice cream. But inside, my doubts keep niggling at me and I just want to give up. I've tried here, I've tried there. The recruiters and hiring managers want candidates that fit the description to a "T". They all have reasons I don't fit the bill. And I keep thinking they are right. I can't even "settle" for a job that I am overqualified for because I am overqualified.

So I am in a quandry. How to get out of this rut??? What can I do differently?

One of the great struggles for any job seeker, and I am no exception, is to keep one's mind from wandering into Doubtville. It's so easy to get there and to linger. It's like the Hotel California, but maybe easier to leave. I have been thinking about how to get out of there and I think the key is to simply pretend I am a relentless do-er. I say to myself, yeah, I'm that person (pick some role models) and Just Do It. Basically, my strategy now is to fake it. I plan on doing some more resume reverse-engineering, less cover letter writing, more positivity (through faking it), and more planning on the next-next thing. I am no longer worrying about money or health care. I have faith they will take care of themselves if I follow this plan.

I still get down when I'm told I don't fit. Last time it happened, I told the recruiter that's too bad, presented my argument for why I think I would be excellent and then privately wished the company goes to hell. I keep them on a list and send them bad thoughts. Makes me feel better, what can I say?

How is this different from before? From the outside, it probably doesn't seem that different. On this inside, what I am doing is turning off that voice saying outsiders' opinions of my resume and me are correct. Now I am saying, too bad for you and moving on.

Thoughts lately

My mind has been all a jumble of late. Health problems, bills, a problem with payroll, assorted kid stuff, and let us not forget the job search.

The pharma industry has decided that they don't need people in sales and marketing, but regulatory people. Surprise! After all the years of run up to Obamacare, they realize this now that having regulatory "talent" is important. So let's lay off all the S&M people who we've been pushing to make ridiculous numbers these past years, demoralize the remaining troops and say we can't find any good talent. Brilliant strategy. Yay Business! Let's run government like a business!

And what kills me is I am trying to find a job in this mess.

I've said it again and again that I want my own business one day. If all goes well, I should have at least another 20 years of work ahead of me. So it makes sense to go back to school and retool. I've been thinking about health informatics.

In my worst moments, I consider what if...What if I had only focused on a path early and stayed there. I could be a director or VP by now like some of my cohorts. But I don't have the attention span or haven't found something that I could do day-in-day out reliably, so I moved to different, though related jobs. In different times, I might have been considered a "go-getter". Now, I am not specialized enough.

It's been tough on my psyche. My self-esteem has been taking a beating. Applying for jobs that I don't exactly match, being evaluated on things I probably don't care about. Being told again and again that I don't have what they are looking for. Makes me think that I'm not able to do anything and brings out the worst thoughts I can have about myself. I give in to those thoughts now and then, but always resolve to brighten up the next day. It does get better and I know that one day I will see this time as a turning point--for the better.

It is important to make the most of my time. I've started studying Chinese and programming, am coming up with ideas for projects, and generally trying to keep my mind active. Decluttering and organizing are  up there for priorities. And I am searching for faith and inspiration. Still have a ways to go for all of these goals, but I do believe if I am persistent these changes will happen.

My bleeding ulcer

With the stress of the past few months, I've been restless at night.  On a Tuesday/Wednesday midnight, I rose to work on a house project, got light-headed and then threw up. It was dark and I thought, that's odd, my puke looks black...must just be my eyes in the dark. I have work to do.

The next few mornings I saw the classic symptoms of a bleeding ulcer and my condition deteriorated until I could barely walk. Saturday morning I nearly fell of the toilet and couldn't finish taking a shower. I managed to do a call for a volunteer activity I am involved with. Saturday was a busy day for kid activities too: There was a science fair Fat Tony wanted to take the elder to, an open house for Tae Kwon Do, and two cub scout activities. I didn't want the elder to miss them, so the younger and I spent the day watching videos and I made beef noodle soup. Mmmmm. We resolved to go to the ER that night if I didn't improve. Fortunately for all of us, I pulled out of my nose dive.

During my decline, I finally arranged a visit to a doctor. Although we've been here for almost three years, I have been avoiding finding a doctor. Yes, I know. Very dumb, but there it is. Thing is, my insurance covers regular check-ups and this counted as one. If I had been on the ball and already had that check-up, this would have been visit that I would have to pay for. So I found a family practice in the town next door and called for an appointment. I was surprised. They scheduled with a Physician's Assistant for Wednesday. They told me to fast for a urinalysis and a blood test.

Wednesday (one week after start of symptoms):
By Wednesday, the day of my appointment, I was feeling positively energetic--getting out of bed at will, showering, walking (although with a lot of head pain and distraction because of the pounding of my heart I could hear in my ears). Yessiree, picture of health. FT drops me off and I fill out papers, people are cordial, but not friendly. The nurse has no name tag and does not introduce herself. I have no idea who she is and it seems like she doesn't care if I do. I pee in a cup, give my details about the past few days, let the PA do what she does and they send me on my way with nary a good-bye, thank you for coming. I had to check with them that I was all done and ask them if I needed to do anything else.

They said they'd have results of the blood work the next day. If I wanted a copy they could fax it to me or I could pick it up. Fax? Really?

Thursday:
I get a call from Monique (a nurse, presumably, definitely not the PA from the day before) at family practice with the results of my blood test and a recommendation that I schedule an appt with Dr. So-n-So the gastroenterologist for a colonoscopy and upper GI endoscopy (EGD). They found that my hemoglobin level was significantly low (6.5) and want me to go in to check my guts out. I say to Monique that they are worrying me and what is normal for hemoglobin anyways? She says that 12 is average and anything under 6 is cause for a transfusion. She also advises getting some Prilosec, and says they might want to put me on iron depending on the results of the tests. I ask why it would be surprising if I wasn't iron deficient. She says they just want to wait for the results before recommending anything. This makes no sense.

I mull over this information and delay calling the gastroenterologist, knowing that I have high deductible insurance and I feel much better. My facts: I know I am prone to ulcers, I most likely had a bleeding ulcer and lost a significant amount of blood, I am better and understand that I can't rely on pain to medicate. I have the Prilosec, so what more can they tell me? What would all this expensive prodding and examination tell us? I suppose I might have a pancreatic tumor. Could they determine that with the EGD? I eat an early lunch and mull this over. Shortly thereafter, I get another call from Monique. She says they (the PA) are scheduling something for me now. She will get back to me with more details. She calls late with more details: show up for an upper GI at Half-Hour-Away Hospital at 7:30 am tomorrow. The procedure will be at 8:30. I agree. After all, isn't it better to know what's going on in there, right? She says she will call back with more details. By 4:22 I have not heard back from her so I call the practice and speak to her asking for more details, instructions, confirmation and the like. She says she will check and will call me back later. I wait and she confirms that I should show up at HHA hospital and go to the Outpatient desk. I should have nothing to eat or drink from midnight on. I ask repeatedly is there anything else I need to know?

This means FT and the kids have some adjusting to do with their schedules as it is a weekday. I can't sleep that night because I am nervous at the thought of someone cramming a tube down my throat. I am afraid that I will be awake and will gag. I don't want to think about it and can't bring myself to do an Internet search. I am just trusting everything will be ok.

Friday:
FT and I get up early. The boys are still asleep when we need to go. I find that the younger has peed in his bed again and he has to go to preschool after I am dropped off, change him and wipe him down, warm up the car and then make sure the elder is ready to go. We all manage to get out and I make to the hospital on time. I go to reception, who does not have me on a list, then to registration, who also doesn't have me on any list. I give the woman at registration, Deanne, everything I know--my PA's name, the family practice name and Dr's associated with it (since I had not met them, this involved some internet searching on my phone), Dr So-n-So's name and all assorted details about why I am there. I get out my notes and tell her everything I know. She does her best to find me in their system, makes lots of calls, and tells me I am not in their system now or in the future, not here,there or anywhere! It is nearly 8 and I decide to give up, call FT to let him know and to ask him to come pick me up. They all stopped for doughnuts and are not far away. I go to the outside lobby to wait and finally take a sip of water.

Then I get a call. It is someone who asks me if I intend on showing up for me appointment with Dr. S! Say what? I tell her that I have been here since 7:30 trying to find out where to go. I tell her I have drunk some water now and I don't want to go through this. She says that I will be billed regardless. My head nearly explodes in frustration. FT is calling to tell me he's here. Friendly Nurse tells me she is coming over to talk to me. I go to tell FT that I will stay. So he heads back home to start the school day with the boys.

I meet Nurse Becky at registration. She tells me they didn't have me in their schedule, apologizes, sends me to Laurie at registration, who takeS in my financial information. She is notably nervous because she has to deal with this hot-head crazy woman. I give her my info, sign their consent forms, then ask her what their estimate is of what I will need to pay. She has call her contact twice. Once to give me the details of what my plan is then to find out what the code and cost for the procedure is (EGD, code 43226, est hosp cost, $1372.15; my deductible: $3300, but might be more because I am on a family plan). She says that there will most like be additional tests And the physician's fee to pay. She then asks me if I would like to pay now towards my deductible. I say no. I would like to see it altogether in one bill.

She sends me down the hall with a green slip of paper--yes, down the hall, not 100 feet away, to ambulatory care. The desk is busy, but they notice me and get someone to attend to me. She looks at her list and can't find me, then she sees my name added on at the end. Someone wrote my name down there. She gives me a slip of paper describing what I should be prepared for today. I wait and am eventually called in.

I follow Loretta to the room where I will be recovering in. She gives me instructions on what to take off and put on and I make myself comfortable. Eventually Becky comes to take down my medical info. She types this info in to a computer. There is also a Sue who comes to stick me with needles that will attach me to the IV. She tries on my hand, then has to go with the arm.

I talk to both Becky and Sue and fume about why they can not find me by my name. I needed to know Dr. S!? No one told me about a Dr. S.  I have a name, why is this not useful to them? Through more conversations with Becky and the very kind Sue, it seems that the hospital had no idea I was coming.

After a number of theories-Deanne didn't call the right place, Allscripts is hard to implement... I have come to believe that Dr S's office told him to show up and did not call in this information to the hospital. I don't know how this information should get communicated, but apparently, my doctor's office doesn't do it, nor should I. The responsibility for informing the hospital fell to a practice and people I have never seen or spoken to. The ambulatory care unit only called me after Dr. S showed up and asked where I was.

They have more forms for me to sign. I start to look through it and the nurses say something like, this section just says that we've told you about the procedure. I say but you haven't told me about the procedure. They explain what will happen. I get to another section. They say that this says that the doctor and the hospital are separate. I crack a joke, so I should sue you separately? I just don't care anymore. They respond that it is related to billing. I will get separate bills.

Loretta comes to tell me that they should start the procedure shortly. I should be done by 10. I call FT to convey this information. She also gets his info so they can call him when I am done.

They tell me that they will start the procedure at 10 since I drank the water. I call FT to revise the time. I find out they are late for preschool (they also forgot snack since it was out turn to bring snack for the kids this week).

The nurse anesthetist shows up and introduces himself and explains what he will be doing. He then asks me if I have someone to pick me up and sign documents for me. I say to him that because we have only one car, I do, but I was never told of this beforehand and this seems a little late to learn of this condition. He says that he will convey this information on. I ask him about his background and how many procedures he does a day. He says about 8.

Sue and I talk and she wheels me into the procedure room where the lights are dim and I begin to feel more relaxed. Sue has awesome bedside manner and notices me eyeing the equipment. (I'm noting that the equipment comes from Olympus and it hooked up to a big black IBM computer. When did IBM desktop stop making computers?) she and I talk about the scope that is about to go down my throat. She says that it's thoroughly cleaned and disinfected. I ask how long it takes, she says about 30 minutes. She also says I'm the first on for today. We chat about other hospital related things. We talk about the flu and vaccinations. I learn that there is a condition associated with getting the flu shot that some number of healthcare workers do get. They are forced to get these shots if they want to work, but if they come down with this debilatating condition, as a colleague of hers has, they can not get worker's comp.

Another nurse-L-comes in and tells me she'll be helping. The nurse anaesthetist appears. Then Dr. S. He introduces himself and starts asking about why I am there. He wants to know my symptoms and when they appeared. I say that I told this all to the nurse when I was admitted. Then I tell him again. He pushes on my abdomen as he is checking things out he asks about my hg level and we discuss what I was told about getting on Prilosec and iron. I say that I haven't taken either yet. This is when I learn that iron will stain the stomach so this is why they didn't want me to take it.

They have me turnover on  me left side, start the propofol And have me bite down on the green plastic thing through which they will stick the scope. I am out like a light.

I wake up in the recovery room, hearing someone talking to FT. It is a bit before 11. I move around and Becky comes by to see if I'd like some juice. I go for the cranberry juice. She gives me a pile of papers to read, but it doesn't register with me to read them right away. She comes back again and asks if I've read them yet. Oh right. I should read them. I see many highlighted words with-itis at the end. She says Dr. Shah will be there to talk to me about it.

I realize I am cold and buzz for someone. A male nurse gives me another blanket.

They tell me I can get dressed and I do. FT and the boys come and I snap some pictures of the room. I go to the bathroom across the hall. While I am there, I hear Dr. S talk to ft and says that he has a call to make. I come out of the bathroom and spot Dr. S's file sitting on that table that they set your food and drink on. I take pictures of everything I don't have already, then I start looking at the report.

Dr. S comes by and we are all standing looking at the papers. He says they took a couple of biopsies one for h. Pylori which came pack positive (surprise!) another of this growth that looks like extra tissue I've grown from repeated scarring. I look at the pictures and ask him if there are any ulcers. He says no. I realize later I should have asked what all the -itis's meant and how you can spot them in the pictures.

We talk about the drugs and he says he will prescribe something. I say I already bought Prilosec. He says that would work too. A nurse later comments that Prilosec would probably cost less.

They tell me I am free to go, but I need to be wheeled out. FT and the boys go to pull up the car and I wait for the volunteer to come. He is an elderly gentleman and we wait together. Then I am free.

Friday afternoon I got a VM from stacy at Dr. S's office saying they had a prescription for me but they don't know my pharmacy. I have no idea what they are prescribing. I will call back on Monday and talk to Stacy later.

Saturday:
Jackie from the family practice calls to check on me. I list all the -itis's on my report and she exclaims, you poor thing! I try not to feel bad for myself.

The further I get from this experience, the less angry I am and in all likelihood, I will be subjecting myself to an experience like this again. Having worked in customer service, I am truly unimpressed at the level of customer service I received in this experience. For something as serious as a person's health, I think a minimum requirement is to schedule based on a person's name, not whatever the doctor says.

While these doctors have received years of training, they are still providers of a service, not the star of the show. I had to interact with many people, repeating information, correcting assumptions, feeling like I was working for them. What in the world would have happened if I was disoriented? This has been ugly evidence that despite the shiny surroundings and abundance of highly trained professionals in healthcare, it is field that is in desperate need of change. Exorbitant costs with little "value" as defined by the patient in return. As a customer, I feel like I've been taken advantage of, just another source of revenue for the doctors and hospital without the courtesy of any personal concern. I feel like I am just numbers to them and while I understand that is the bottom line in business, businesses I've been associated with do make an effort to treat people as people.

I've done my best to stay out of this messed up system and I wish that I had never made that appointment. I recovered on my own, but now I can look forward to multiple costly (and I am betting unintelligible) medical bills when I will be coming off of severance along with other sources of stress.

I am trying to make the best of things right now, thinking about what I've learned here and letting the experience inform me on my next life choices. But right now, I don't know what more I can do.

On the bright side...

I get to eat lots of meat.

The blood test came back and the nurse who called me today said my hemoglobin was at 6.5. That's pretty anemic. Anything under a 6 would have qualified for a transfusion and that count was taken FIVE days after I was feeling my worst, eight after my first symptoms.The idea that I might have been on the brink of death has scared the bejesus out of me and all I can think to do is find ways to ingest iron (vitamins, eat meat), get out my feelings (cry, write), and find ways to deflect my thinking (Netflix). I also sent Fat Tony out to get some Prilosec.

They recommended I get my gastrointestinal system checked out and I am actively procrastinating on that task.

Note to all you well-intentioned advice givers, including my future self: Telling others, "You have to relax," doesn't actually make that person relax. In fact, it does the opposite.


This is all leading somewhere good, right?

Overwhelmed

I haven't been able to attend to much job searching lately, what with some issues with a bleeding GI tract. When I'm not exhausted, I am in pain with a killer headache. My low point was on Saturday morning, when I nearly passed out in the shower because raising my hands above my head was so taxing. If I hadn't improved by that evening we were going to the ER. Fortunately, I have been improving steadily and will be seeing a doctor for a check-up on Wed.

Were it not for the sudden onset of this "illness" I would not be so scared. It's like my body has betrayed me. Usually I feel stomach pains with any sort of stress. This time, it seems like my body went straight from healthy and pain-free to bleeding ulcer without any sort of warning. It's almost as if there was a tear inside me that took a few days to heal up. I have no idea why and at this point prefer not to conjecture. I am hoping the doctor can provide more details. In my amateur assessment of my situation now, my body is working on making more blood cells and there's not much more I can do on that front outside of eat well and rest.

While I know there is some life lesson perspective to be gained here, I'm not sure what because if my condition was brought on by stress and I was working, then it probably would have never happened. If it was brought on by some dumb random happening, like a really strong sneeze, then I might have been in a more precarious position if I were traveling, than at home, when the severe weakness hit.

More time at home with the kids is not bad. We've been reading and watching the brilliant show, Aquabats! If you were to look at my lifestyle--eating, sleeping, hanging with the kids--it's fabulous. Now, if I could only walk upstairs without getting winded...

Midnight panic attack

Got news about another hopeful prospect...they didn't say no, just not yet. So I will wait some more. It isn't a rejection, but I am still in this holding pattern. The explanation the recruiter had was that they were focusing on another position. However, I also know things can change. The longer the position goes unfilled, the more likely funding can be cut or another person fills in the gap.

Staying hopeful is getting tough. It makes anything associated with job hunting more difficult. But I am working on filtering out the bad thoughts and focusing on the positive, visualizing what out life could be like and having that motivate me to do more.

Of course, that was easy to write. Practicing it is more difficult. And then I wonder what if we need health insurance?

It's the middle of the night and I think I just had a panic attack. I think so because I threw up, a lot. I'm not the delicate type, not ill and no one else here seems to be, no alcohol at dinner, just couldn't sleep so I thought I would work on a house project only to get progressively more nauseous until I was puking my dinner out. I do feel much better, though.

I am ready to accept almost anything, just to keep us afloat. At this point, I think I have applied for most everything I can from my current plan and am waiting for more reqs to appear. Doing searches amounts to looking under rocks. I need to spend my time more effectively.

I've got a volunteer/networking activity lined up and when I am feeling more chipper, I will work on getting more people to take time out of their busy schedule to speak to me about my job hunt "marketing plan."

But where I must set some time aside for everyday is for laying the groundwork for our business. I've got some ideas for our business. Now it's time for research and plan.

Back to the grind

Well, we are regaining some semblance of routine after the holidays. We spent Christmas day at home, then drove off to my parents'. My parents, especially my dad, are not so energetic anymore and have let their possessions take over their house. Between my brother's family and ours we took what may be tons of stuff to the dump and recycling. Hoarding: Buried Alive served as inspiration. By the way, we also discovered Amish Mafia (so great!).

Now I am back in the swing of things and this job hunting is rough. I've had a few phone screens so far and am beginning to rethink my job expectations. After an interview I thought went well, I was told that my salary expectations were too high. Say what? I did say I was willing to negotiate, so what gives? I believe there was probably something about me that the hiring manager just didn't take to and used that number I put on the online application to not move ahead with me. So two lessons learned: 1) put the absolute minimum number to make it through the filters, 2) air out any concerns during the interview.

I guess I should just chock it up to fate, that this just wasn't meant to be. Would I really have been happy working for this manager and he happy with me? It is worth stating again that 80% of jobs are supposedly got by networking. By the time most jobs have made it to posting, there is already an inside candidate.

I am diligently looking for openings, applying online, looking for contacts at these companies and networking. I'm not sure which is more difficult, networking or applying anymore. Networking certainly provides more ups and downs. Some acquaintances get back to me right away, others, never. The most frustrating are those I know indirectly (friend of a friend type of thing) who agree to speak, but are too busy, want to schedule, then don't get back to me. I am more aggressive in simply calling, but I hate feeling like this is a one-sided conversation.

Yesterday, I received notice of several no-go's on a number of fronts and was feeling beaten. Thankfully, I joined a women's business association earlier and registered to go to an event last night. I couldn't miss this thing after paying all that money and I am so glad I did. I have never been to a meeting with so many helpful, friendly people. While nothing has materialized yet, it gives me hope.

That said, this experience is showing me that I absolutely must be researching small business opportunities, not just researching, but working on them with real conviction. If I don't start doing now, I will remain just a dreamer.